INT. MADAME FATE’S ROOM.
The room looks like a dark, dank studio apartment. It has all the comforts of a home except for windows. There is a cage at the end of it where Joshua is. Babelsama is already there and smiles.
Welcome to eternity!
They here a whoosh outside.
I’m a resident here, and I welcomed
you, so your spirit guide went away.
But you’re not dead yet!
Yet? I will be immortal!
Anielle, George, and Toci pull out their scepters. Babelsama leers.
Don’t you think Dudley Dooright here
tried that already? Scepters don’t work
here! Only these!
Babelsama points a pitchfork at them, which sends them flying into the cage.
I missed you!
No! No happy reunion scenes! You’re
going to wait here for my girlfriend.
Can’t you just kill us now and get it
No. I can’t interfere with Fate. We’re
just going to keep here so you don’t
interfere with the take over. Then you’ll
live out your lives of misery.
Not that I wanna die, but wouldn’t it be
easier if you just killed us?
No. On Earth, you can be miserable. But
if you die, you goody-goodies will go to
Heaven, and I’d rather see you suffer!
There is a knock on the door. Babelsama opens it to see Peace Officers.
Ugh! Why do you guys always call
They didn’t. I did. And I can let them
in since I’m half goddess.
Yes, well too bad none of you are
any use against this!
Babelsama points the pitchfork at them, and they all get crammed into the cage. There is not a lot of room left.
Now, as we wait for Fate, would you guys
like something to eat?
He shows them a tray of appetizers.
What? I’m not going to kill you. I’m an
excellent cook. Ask him!
(points to Joshua)
It’s true, he is.
A couple of people sample his platter. Madame Fate enters.
You all are fools! Even if you kill
my earthly body, I will be reborn
again as an entirely different person
but with the same spirit.
Hey! I’m your daughter-why did I
Babelsama’s mistaken murder of your
friend doesn’t matter anymore! You’re
in the cage, and I’m in control! Now
Babelsama burps. There is some spit, which he wipes off.
Gross. Anyways, tonight, it is foretold
that we will conceive a child again! And
this one will live! So, nice try, heroes,
but game over, we win! Come, Babelsama,
let us fornicate so we may take our rightful
place on Earth!
They head into the bedroom. Everyone except Anielle turns away in disgust, trying not to listen. Meretrice looks to Anielle.
You don’t think that burp was…?
Wait for it, wait for it…
Beat. Madame Fate screams in disgust. Babelsama comes out of the room with his clothes disheveled.
Where did you get that STD?
Oh no! That party! I got all hazy and
I thought I dreamt of sleeping with a
younger version of you!
Younger version of me?
She looks over to Meretrice, who smiles and waves.
I used to wonder why I was abandoned
as a baby and why I always felt like I had
eyes watching me. Now it all makes sense.
I’m glad I didn’t grow up here! But, one
question remains-who’s my father?
Oh, some other idiot that tried to take
over the world. I can’t control Fate, I
only interpret it. The Big Man upstairs
gives you options, and it’s up to you what
to do about it, how far you can reach.
You were gonna end up a crazy cat lady
only if I succeeded. I guess I can’t avoid
Fate any more than the rest of you. I’m
gonna scrap this rusty old body and be
reborn again in a hundred years when this
really hot guy wants to take over the world!
Madame Fate takes her pitchfork and releases everyone.
I’m gonna need a death certificate
What about me?
You’re not gonna be popular
on campus anymore. Go ahead,
officers, arrest him.
The Peace Officers arrest him.
(to the main four)
Don’t get too comfortable;
I will be back!
Back in Hell, certainly.
(to the officers)
Oh, he can turn into a bat;
that’s how he escaped last time.
Babelsama growls. The Peace Officers leave. Anielle, Toci, George, and Joshua follow happily.
EXT. FAUK CLUB. NIGHT.
Everyone is waiting for the ceremony to start. Joshua gets on stage.
Hello! I’m still alive, but I’d like to
inform you that Babelsama was
responsible for not only my kidnapping
but the murder of an innocent woman.
So sorry, your cult is gonna have to
We’re not a cult! We are an organization
that moves to follow a glorious leader…
Oh damn, we are a cult!
Everyone walks away disappointed.
Does that mean I’m not gonna
sleep with someone famous?
Famous, no. But have you met
my friend Circe?
Circe hears her name and comes over to her.
Circe, meet Alberto.
EXT. BROOM FOOTBALL FIELD. NIGHT.
Toci, George, Anielle and Joshua walk across the field, not seeing the Peace Officers on the other end.
I thought I was gonna be a year
behind on my classes, but they said
since I helped improve their policies
that they’ll omit some of my classes!
At least after all this they’re gonna
start treating every murder equally.
Cassius walks up to them.
I’m really sorry I put your life
in danger, Frederick. If it makes
you feel any better, I was demoted
to Crime Solver Assistant.
It helps a little.
Anyways, can you identify this body?
They walk over to see Blanche’s body.
We just know her name is Blanche. How
did she die?
It appears she fell off her broom
after crashing into that goal post.
(whispers to Toci)
Is it bad if I’m not sorry she’s gone?
I mean, we just saw how happy
she is now!
Psst! Let me steal you for a minute!
Anielle and Joshua leave. Chad enters, frantically looking for Toci. Toci finds him and runs up to him.
She throws her arms around him and kisses him.
I heard about your rescue mission,
and I was certain I was going to lose
you! Tell me, when you were in Hell,
did you notice if premarital sex was
still a sin or not?
As long as it’s consensual and we’re
She hugs him gleefully.
EXT. BOTANICAL GARDEN. NIGHT.
Joshua leads her to a bridge over a small botanical garden. Strings of lights are hung along the trees, making a romantic glow. Joshua faces Anielle.
Anielle, there was something I wanted
to tell you before our little adventure.
I love you so much! You save me from
eternal torment, both literally and
figuratively. No one else had made me
feel this happy, this hopeful, this loved.
Before anything else crazy, happens I
want to give you something so you know
that no matter what happens, I will always
feel this way!
Joshua reaches into his pocket and gets down on one knee. Anielle gasps in anticipation. Joshua fights back joyful tears.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course!
He puts the ring on her, and they share a passionate embrace. There is a flash of light, and they look over to see George taking a picture.
That was hot! Can you kiss her like
that again so I can get it from a
Shut up, you perv!
He hugs Joshua then Anielle.
I’m going to throw you a fiesta,
INT. DOG HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party unfolds to celebrate the engagement. Toci comes up to Anielle with a big grin on her face.
Oh no, why are you so happy?
I did it!
Ugh! You have to ruin everything!
Look, you don’t have to “act” Mexican
-you are Mexican! Just act like yourself
and stop trying to be a stereotype!
George sits down sadly as the girls go off to gossip. MARNIE (slim, Asian, good looking, casually dressed) sits next to him.
Apparently I’m not being a good
Oh, I hear that! My parents always
expect me to be a brainiac, like they
expect all Asians to grow up to be a
healer or accountant. But all I wanna do
is play Air Softball and drink beer! I’m
supposed to dress like a geisha, be all
proper and virginal. Sometimes all I
want is a good lay!
George looks at her with interest.
My name is George.
EXT. DOG HOUSE. MORNING.
Anielle, George, Joshua, and Toci wake up on the lawn. George is in his boxers, Toci has a clump of plants in her hands and pockets, and Anielle and Joshua have switched clothes.
Ooh, I got Marnie’s phone number!
I have no idea! She better be hot!
What’s this? A business card for Meretrice’s
House of Love. Oh, must’ve taken over Madame
Fate’s old shop and became a madame. I love
how it has bookstore in quotes.
Well, let’s go pack and go home. Hopefully
the skies are clear and Babelsama doesn’t
ambush us on the way home! I hope his
next lair is some place nice, like a tropical
As long as he doesn’t interrupt our wedding,
Do you really thing he’ll be back again?
They laugh, get up, and walk inside. There is a glimmer in the sky. Scotty walks by and hisses at it. The glimmer fades away.
CUT TO CREDITS.