The Unsuper Heroes, Part 2

INT. HEROES’ HOME. AFTERNOON.

EXELDA (a curvy, fairly good looking, young brunette woman with the look of a warrior) peers out of the tattered curtains by the front door.

EXELDA:

I think Chaos is under attack.

HYPNOS (an average man in his late twenties) lazily lounges against a haystack.

HYPNOS:

Neat! Are there any fires?

EXELDA:

No, this is serious. It looks like a lot

of people are in trouble.

DITZIA (a young, pretty blonde) sits on a couch untangling hair ties.

DITZIA:

They’re in trouble for starting the

fires?

EXELDA:

Uh, no. There’s a monster attacking them!

GEEKIUS (a nerdy man in his late twenties) is working on some logic problems on a scroll.

GEEKIUS:

Have you been drinking again? There’s

no such thing as monsters.

EXELDA:

Seriously! It’s pretty unbelievable! There’s

a big, red thing with sharp teeth and bubbly

skin. It’s taller than most of the buildings.

It just destroyed the hair salon!

NARCIUS (who is the same age as Ditzia and is very good looking and strong but vain) admires himself in a mirror but puts it down and heads to the window.

NARCIUS:

She’s playing a joke, most likely, but

as the descendant of the most decorated

soldier in Greek history, I should be the

one to verify this. If there’s a monster,

I will-

He looks out the window and screams like a girl. He collapses onto the floor and starts crying.

NARCIUS:

My salon! A monster! Life isn’t fair!

Ditzia and Geekius go to the window to verify. Both are shocked by what they see.

GEEKIUS:

This defies all logic!

EXELDA:

Told you! And you all thought I was

drunk! I’ve only had a couple drinks!

DITZIA:

Do you think they’d come here?

EXELDA:

I doubt it. Most people think this

building is abandoned.

Narcius is still sobbing. Exelda gives him a look of disgust.

NARCIUS:

Don’t judge me, woman! You all cry

for the least little things, like a

broken nail.

Hypnos, Geekius, and Ditzia all look at Exelda as if she might explode with anger. Exelda thinks about it but decides to dismiss it.

EXELDA:

I’m going to ignore your misguided

view on women for now because we’ve

got a real emergency. Chaos needs our help.

HYPNOS:

No, if they needed us, they’d come find us.

Why should we come to the rescue of a

group of people that don’t give a damn

about us? Now, if they come to us and

apologize, then we’ll help. But the odds of

them seeking us out are as likely as me

becoming a rich athlete tomorrow!

There is a knock on the door. Exelda peeks outside the window before she opens the door. Cyrek and Orcus enter holding a cloth dummy. Everyone stares at them curiously. Cyrek is uncomfortable as he speaks.

CYREK:

First, I want to apologize on behalf

of Chaos for any wrong doings against

you. I hope we can put it past us and

work together on behalf of our polis.

Chaos is in trouble.

HYPNOS:

Who cares? Tomorrow I’ll be set for

life!

EXELDA:

Oh ignore him, everyone else does.

CYREK:

The oracle named each of you as saviors

of our land. She mentioned that you had

powers beyond the ordinary. I can see

from your reaction that you’re just as

shocked as I was. So, I deemed it prudent

to do a quick practice to discover your

powers before you use them. Each of you

will take turns practicing on this dummy.

The dummy is named Orcus. Any questions?

Orcus raises his hand. Cyrek ignores him.

CYREK:

Okay, I’m setting Orcus up here against

this post. So, who’s first? Exelda, you

seem ready. Do you still have that

sword?

EXELDA:

Of course. I still remember my training.

But I don’t remember having any special

powers. I’ll see what I can do.

She draws out her sword and silently debates on how to attack. She puts away her sword and punches the dummy’s head. The whole building shakes from the impact. The dummy’s head falls off and rolls near Narcius, who thinks it is a mouse and screams. He looks ashamed. Everyone else is surprised at Exelda’s strength.

ORCUS:

Wow, you were a soldier and you

didn’t know that you can do that?

EXELDA:

I wouldn’t rough house with the boys

because I wasn’t supposed to be there

and I was afraid I might be exposed. I

focused on sword work in battle.

CYREK:

Well done, Exelda. Please put Orcus’s

head back on him. Okay, who’s next?

How about you, lazy bones?

HYPNOS:

The name is Hypnos, and do you have

any idea how hard it is to get up after a

good sit?

EXELDA:

The polis is in trouble, will your stop

thinking about your ass?

HYPNOS:

Okay, okay. I have no idea what powers

I might have. I never really tried to use

them. Let me think.

After a moment, he points his palms at the dummy, and fireballs shoot out of his hands, setting the dummy on fire.

NARCIUS:

Wow! How did you do that?

HYPNOS:

(dumbfounded)

I don’t know!

CYREK:

Will someone throw water on the

Orcus dummy?

Ditzia throws a bucket of water on the real Orcus.

CYREK:

(grins)

No, the one made of cloth.

After Ditzia puts out the fire, Narcius volunteers.

NARCIUS:

I will go next. Narcius. You may have

heard of me. No? Are you serious? My

family has been great warriors since the

dawn of time! Well, I know my power-

but I don’t know how being the world’s

greatest lover will help us!

EXELDA:

Stop wasting time and fight the dummy!

She advances on Narcius. Fearing her strength, Narcius runs away. However, he runs away as fast as lightning and uses Exelda’s sword to stab the dummy, whose head rolls off again. Narcius bows as if he is being applauded.

NARCIUS:

Thank you, thank you.

(picks up the head)

It seems as though Orcus is going

to keep losing his head!

CYREK:

yeah, we didn’t need an oracle to

predict that!

Orcus looks offended. Cyrek gives him a look that reads like “don’t deny it.” Orcus shrugs and agrees.

CYREK:

(to Ditzia)

Okay, it’s your turn.

DITZIA:

Turn?

Ditzia spins around in a circle.

GEEKIUS:

You’ll have to forgive Ditzia.

She isn’t very smart.

DITZIA:

I’m tired of people making fun of me!

She starts to cry. After a moment of crying, she gets angry, flies into the air, and gives the dummy a swift kick in the head. She circles around the room and then lands in front of Cyrek.

DITZIA:

Wow, I guess I really am an

airhead!

EXELDA:

Geekius, do your stuff.

GEEKIUS:

My stuff? Ah, I see what you mean.

(to the dummy)

Did you know that if you take the sum

of the squares of the sides of a right

triangle, it will equal to the square of-

CYREK:

What are you doing?

GEEKIUS:

I intend to boggle his mind so much

that it will explode.

CYREK:

That might work on the real Orcus,

but you must do harm to the cloth

dummy.

HYPNOS:

Jeez, Geekius, you think you’d be

smart enough to figure that out.

GEEKIUS:

Are you putting me down to make

yourself feel better about your

own inadequacies?

This offends Hypnos, so he hits Geekius in the back of the head. Geekius turns invisible. Geekius apparently walks over to the dummy (which is known by the sound of his hand hitting it and the head rolling off again).

CYREK:

Wow, so you all do have subnormal

powers! So, now-

ORCUS:

(to Ditzia)

Are you single?

DITZIA:

Oh my gods, ew!

Cyrek hits Orcus on the arm.

CYREK:

Stop hitting on every female we meet!

Now, enough practice. The oracle said

you would save us, so it’s time to make

that happen! So, each of you grab a sword

and let’s save Chaos! Are you ready?

Everyone stands there frightened and murmurs in agreement.

CYREK:

Close enough! Let’s go!

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