The Unsuper Heroes, Part 7

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.

Darius walks in to see Mercinon in the downward facing dog position.

DARIUS:
Sire?

MERCINON:

I’ve taken up yoga. It’s an Eastern

method of relaxation. I’m tired of

losing my strongest monsters.

DARIUS:

Well, I’ve got a piece of good news.

MERCINON:

Just a piece, eh? Not a whole good

news segment?

Darius brings in Philoles, who is tied and gagged. Philoles glares at Mercinon.

MERCINON:

What did you do?

DARIUS:

I kidnapped the prince.

MERCINON:

I can see that, but why?

DARIUS:

He caught me capturing a monster.

MERCINON:

You know, in some cases, killing a 

witness makes sense. But you could’ve

easily been an innocent villager trying

to get rid of a monster! And you don’t

intend on killing him? We don’t play 

with politics-we just destroy people!

DARIUS:

But wouldn’t being king be…oh, never

mind. I thought we could hold him

ransom and get some gold before we

destroy the land.

MERCINON:

Oh, good idea. Hold himherever you keep

the monsters and send an anonymous

letter to the king. And in the morning,

send out the next monster. I hope the 

next one isn’t so easy to destroy.

DARIUS:
Oh, don’t worry. This one no man

stands a chance against!

Philoles tries to say something but is muffled.

MERCINON:

Don’t insult my mother! She could

be here anytime!

DARIUS:

Yes, she’s dead. Don’t worry about it.

Or do worry about it, I don’t care.

Darius drags Philoles out of the room. Mercinon resumes his yoga.

 
INT. HEROES’ HOME. MORNING.

Exelda is laying down on a ratty couch, exasperated. Narcius is trying to sword fight with an invisible Geekius. At first, Narcius is totally overwhelmed, but Geekius trips over his feet, so Narcius stands on his back. Ditzia applauds.

NARCIUS:

Ah, now you can see my ancestral

noble blood at work. I don’t even

to see my opponent to beat them.

HYPNOS:

Yeah, great. Next time we face a

monster, we’ll just blindfold you.

He puts a little fire on Geekius to make him visible. Ditzia puts it out.

NARCIUS:

Is that jealousy I hear?

EXELDA:

No, it’s reality, which totally sucks!

HYPNOS:

Is it that hard to be sober?

EXELDA:

It’s like you giving up sitting.

HYPNOS:

Ouch.

NARCIUS:

You know, Exelda, I’ve been

wondering something about 

yesterday.

GEEKIUS:

You could get off of me at any

time, you know?

NARCIUS:

(steps off Geekius)

If you have super strength, why

couldn’t you take Ditzia off of you?

EXELDA:

She was cutting off the circulation

in my arms!

HYPNOS:

Maybe she wanted her to stay on!

EXELDA:

Yeah, that makes sense, why did I

make you taker her off me?

GEEKIUS:

Do you even like men?

EXELDA:

Of course! Not all men are the same.

Just most of them. And they admit

it too.

The men shrug and agree with that.

NARCIUS:

You like some men, but can you

picture yourself getting married

to one?

EXELDA:

No. I wouldn’t mind getting married,

but I can’t imagine a guy wanting to

marry as equal partners.

DITZIA:

Philoles wants to treat you like an

equal, but you’re too afraid to

admit you’ve got feelings for him.

EXELDA:

I don’t have feelings for him!

DITZIA:

I can tell. You have the same look

in your eyes as I do when I think

about…shopping.

EXELDA:

Whatever. Let’s stop talking about

my non-existent love life and get

back to practice.

Before anyone can respond, there is a knock at the door.

GEEKIUS:

Excellent! That must be Philoles. Now

we can see if his promise of payment

will come into fruition.

Geekius opens the door, and it turns out to be Cyrek and Orcus. They appear to be distressed.

EXELDA:

What’s going on?

CYREK:

Do you have any idea where

Philoles could be?

HYPNOS:

We haven’t seen him since yesterday

when he said he would see his father

about paying us. So, are we getting a

lump sum or equal installments?

CYREK:

What? I haven’t heard about anything

of the sort. It seems that you were the

last people to have seen him. Prince

Philoles has been kidnapped.

The heroes react with shock.

EXELDA:

How do you know he was kidnapped?

Are you sure he isn’t hurt or lost?

ORCUS:

There was a ransom note from someone

anonymous demanding we deliver the

prince’s worth of gold under some tree

by sunset in three days.

NARCIUS:

So, are you going to pay the money?

CYREK:

Eventually. We want to find him first.

If we pay this creep, it’ll be a major

toll to our economy.

DITZIA:

We can help you find him. We’re not

doing much.

HYPNOS:

I’m never doing much.

ORCUS:

I thought you were supposed to

be training.

EXELDA:

While we’re out, we’ll do some

research about monsters. It’ll

be easier to train if we know what

we’re up against. 

CYREK:

Okay. If you find him, make sure

you keep him safe. And bring us

the villain dead or alive.

Cyrek and Orcus leave.

NARCIUS:

(to Exelda)

You don’t want to do research. 

You want to find your boyfriend.

EXELDA:

He’s not my boyfriend! The kingdom

is in trouble! And I don’t think it’s

a coincidence that his kidnapping

occurred in the middle of these

monster attacks. I think if we find

this bad guy, we’ll save the kingdom.

Our honor will be restored and we

can have better lives!

GEEKIUS:

Well, I’m in favor of research, of course.

It’ll be a better use of our time than

the pitiful practice we’ve been doing.

HYPNOS:

Come on! The sooner we find Philoles,

the sooner we get paid!

(beat)

And we’d save the kingdom and all that.

 

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