The Unsuper Heroes, Part 9

INT. SCHOLAR’S LIBRARY. MORNING.

Exelda and Geekius are looking up monsters in a couple of books. Hypnos lazily heats up some food. Narcius admires his reflection while Ditzia watches him, ignoring the book in front of her. Exelda is getting annoyed.

DITZIA:

Narcius? Can I tell you something?

NARCIUS:

Okay, what?

DITZIA:

Well, I, uh, I think you’re kind of

handsome…

NARCIUS:

You’re wrong; I’m not kind of handsome,

I am  extremely handsome!

EXELDA:

And I think you’re  extremely thick!

NARCIUS:

Thick? I am perfect sized! You don’t

get it!

GEEKIUS:

No, I think you’re the one who

 doesn’t get it.

EXELDA:

Can you read at all?

NARCIUS:

What a question! Can I read?

EXELDA:

Here, try this one! If you see a

monster we might encounter,

just point and grunt.

HYPNOS:

I sense a lot of tension. You know,

we’re all so unused to working, so

everyone is stressed. I think we should

take a break at the bath house and return

back to this scholar guy’s house after

we’ve all feel relaxed and rejuvinated.

GEEKIUS:

Good idea!

They start to leave when they hear crashing followed by screams.

EXELDA:

So much for relaxation!

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 4. MORNING.

They walk out to see POLYPHEMA (a Cyclops woman who is taller than most buildings and has the brutish looks of a cave person) crushing buildings.

EXELDA:

Okay…So, it’s just like killing a person

just like in war. Except instead of

Athenians, it’s someone who can

eat us like candy.

GEEKIUS:

If we knock her down, she could cause

an earthquake followed by a tsunami!

HYPNOS:

So, what do we do?

DITZIA:

Don’t ask me. They keep tickling me,

so I’m useless.

EXELDA:

Wait a minute! How would all the

monsters know how to do that?

Unless…

GEEKIUS:

Can we talk about this later?

Polyphema stands right before them and looks down curiously. Narcius is closest to her and looks ready to wet his pants.

POLYPHEMA:

Out me way! Polyphema crush village!

NARCIUS:

You don’t want to hurt us! You’re too…

(beat)

beautiful?

POLYPHEMA:

You think Polyphema beautiful?

Narcius looks back at the others, who urge him to go along with it.

NARCIUS:

Well, I can honestly say I’ve never

seen a woman like you before!

POLYPHEMA:

You make Polyphema blush!

Exelda, Ditzia, Geekius, and Hypnos huddle together.

HYPNOS:

Are you kidding? She’ll destroy all of

Greece if they didn’t work out! I mean,

they can’t work out. He couldn’t put his,

(clears throat)

in her. He could probably walk in like

it’s a cave!

EXELDA:

That’s an idea!

DITZIA:

Ew! No way!

EXELDA:

No, we could lure her to the

nearby woods so she can’t crush

anymore houses. And then she’ll

be pretty off her guard. You see

where I’m going with this?

Everyone catches her drift.

EXELDA:

(to Ditzia)

Don’t let her tickle you…

DITZIA:

I’m not going near that! Bleck!

They break apart. Narcius has been complimenting her this whole time.

NARCIUS:

Aphrodite surely will bless you with

many lovers…

POLYPHEMA:

No, Polyphema all alone.

NARCIUS:

No way!

Hypnos whispers into Narcius’s ear.

NARCIUS:

No way!

Narcius sees Exelda give him a warning look.

NARCIUS:

(shudders)

There’s a nearby field. What do

you say we, um, pillage your village?

POLYPHEMA:

Okay. Polyphema like you.

NARCIUS:

Of course you do.

Polyphema leads the way. Narcius looks back at the others with annoyance. They shrug it off, laughing slightly.

EXT. FOREST MEADOW. MORNING.

A small meadow rests next to a forest. Polyphema lies down seductively. Narcius tries to repress his disgust. He is not sure what to do. Geekius hits himself in the head and walks over to Narcius while invisible.

GEEKIUS:

(whispers)

We came up with a plan on the way.

Get her to lie on her back.

NARCIUS:

Okay, my lady, like down on your

back for me.

POLYPHEMA:

(giggles)

Okay.

GEEKIUS:

Have her grab onto the trees

for “leverage.”

NARCIUS:

My sweet, you’re going to need to

grab those trees for leverage.

Polyphema giggles girlishly and grabs onto a couple of trees.

GEEKIUS:

No tell her to close her eyes.

NARCIUS:

Close your eyes.

She smiles and closes her eyes. Hypnos runs over and ties her hands together. She does not suspect anything. Ditzia silently cries, picks up Exelda, and flies over Polyphema. Exelda thrusts her sword into Polyphema’s chest. Polyphema is shocked. Now that she knows what is going on, she tries to fight back but cannot. Exelda has to stab her two more times before she dies. Ditzia flies back to the ground.

NARCIUS:

Great! Now, can we go to the bath

house? I gotta wash this unclean

feeling I have!

HYPNOS:

(laughing)

Did you see under her toga?

NARCIUS:

No, thank gods! You bastards!

Exelda, Hypnos, and Geekius laugh.

EXELDA:

Hey, you called her beautiful.

NARCIUS:

Only because I almost called her

ugly, and I knew that would’ve been

a huge mistake.

They continue laughing as they headed back to town.

INT. MERINON’S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mercinon is standing in front of a mirror practicing a speech.

MERCINON:

As your beloved king, it is my first

duty to impose laws to protect you,

which is why I decree that you may

not walk your camel around sunset.

It is dangerous with the chariots of

workers…

There is a knock at the door.

MERCINON:

Enter.

Darius walks in.

MERCINON:

Did you find a monster that

wouldn’t be seduced?

DARIUS:

Yeah. And I fed the prince.

MERCINON:

You fed him?

DARIUS:

Yes. If we return him, he’s gotta be

in good shape, right?

MERCINON:

No, he just has to be alive.

DARIUS:

Oh.

(beat)

I’m sorry. I keep disappointing

you, your highness.

MERCINON:

This is your last chance. If I’m not

king by the end of the night, you

will be fed to the jackals!

DARIUS:

I won’t disappoint you, my lord.

MERCINON:

I know. That’s why I’m practicing my

speeches before I turn in.

(to the mirror)

It will be illegal for anyone to cut off

their own head…

Darius looks like he is going to say something but decides to let it go and leaves.

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