Heaven’s Headquarters, Part 1

INT. ELEVATOR.

ETHAN (silky brown hair, green eyes, slim physique) realized he fell asleep on an elevator. He does not recognize this elevator with the gilded walls, and he realizes the elevator has no buttons. He keeps going up and does not know where he is going, so he starts to worry. Suddenly, the elevator stops and the doors open. Ethan steps out cautiously.

INT. PEARLY GATES LOBBY.

Ethan walks into a reception area and looks around to figure out where he is. The walls and floors are cloudy white. There is not much else except a lot of doors and a pearly, circular desk at the center. HAILEY (blonde, perky, white business suit) sits behind the desk watching Ethan. Ethan, not knowing what else to do, goes up to Hailey.

HAILEY:

Welcome to Heaven’s Headquarters!

Please fill out these forms.

ETHAN:
Forms?

HAILEY:

Yes, to show us what would make

your eternity blissful.

ETHAN:

Look, I’m not sure how I got here,

but I gotta leave. I got work in the

morning.

HAILEY:

Work? No, you don’t work in Heaven.

It’s your time to relax.

ETHAN:

Relax? I got a big presentantion

in the morning.

HAILEY:

Listen, you’re not going back to

work. Or your home or anywhere

else. You’re dead.

ETHAN:

Is that a threat? Are you holding

me hostage?

HAILEY:

Oh boy!

Hailey hits a pager button on her office phone.

HAILEY:

Peter, can you come to the

Pearly Gates please?

PETER (a handsome man with a nice suit and a clipboard in his arm) appears next to Hailey instantly.

PETER:

Who’s this? Let’s see…ah, Ethan

Miller. I told you that he is most

definitely welcome here.

HAILEY:

I know, but he hasn’t accepted.

ETHAN:

(to Peter)

Who are you?

PETER:

On Earth, I’m known as Saint Peter.

ETHAN:

Saint Peter, huh? What are you guys,

the mob or something?

PETER:

Wow! You weren’t kidding about this

guy. Better send him to the Big Guy.

ETHAN:

Who? Where are you taking me.

Peter snaps his fingers, and Ethan instantly disappears.

INT. BIG GUY’S OFFICE.

Ethan appears in a huge office. It appears to be empty except for the same cloudy walls and floors and a big, wooden desk with a computer on it. No one is in the office yet. Ethan looks all around him in confusion.

ETHAN:

Okay, what the hell just happened?

The BIG GUY (very tall, clean shaven man with gray hair and a light gray suit) appears in the room.

BIG GUY:

Sir, we don’t swear here. Go ahead

and have a seat.

A cushy chair appears before the desk.

ETHAN:

You’re the “Big Guy?”

BIG GUY:

I’m known by many names. A higher

power, Nirvana, Inner Peace, Mother

Earth (somehow)…but you probably

refer to me as God.

ETHAN:

Oh, you’re God? Yeah right!

BIG GUY:

What makes you doubt me?

ETHAN:

God isn’t some businessman! He

has a really long beard and a robe.

BIG GUY:

You mean like this?

The Big Guy snaps his fingers and changes into Ethan’s description of God.

BIG GUY:

Yes, this look was all the rage when

the Bible was written, but we’ve made

some updates since then.

The Big Guy snaps his fingers and changes back into the outfit he previously wore.

ETHAN:

Look, I don’t wanna be here, in

“Heaven.”

BIG GUY:

No? Would you rather be in Hell?

It’s not a s fun as rock stars make it

seem. Here, have a look.

The Big Guy turns his computer monitor around to face Ethan. An automated voice greets him.

JAIME:

Welcome to Hell Dot Com! I’m

Jaime, your virtual host. Let

me give you a tour!

The screen changes into a red office with a blonde man in a pepper-gray business suit sitting at a dark, wooden desk.

JAIME:

This is Lucifer’s Chamber! He

decides how cruel of an eternal

punishment a sinner gets.

The screen changes into a room with some fiendish monsters standing in front of some sharp things. The monsters smile and wave to the camera.

JAIME:

This is the physical pain and torture

chamber where sinners go to receive

a Hell of a lot of, well, pain and torture.

The screen changes to a completely empty room with a small green couch and a widescreen television.

JAIME:

This is the viewing room where

sinners are forced to watch their

worst nightmares over and over again.

The screen changes to small, run down town.

JAIME:

This is Sinners’ Living, the living

quarters of sinners. Their homes

turn into whatever they would

consider the most unbearable

living conditions.

The screen changes to a door with the number 666 on it.

JAIME:

This is Area Six Six Six, where the

most evil sinners go. It is so gruesome

that we cannot display it on the web.

The screen changes to a room full of what looks like operators and telemarketers.

JAIME:

This is the communications room

where our “devils” tempt ordinary

people to commit a sin.

The screen changes to a picture of an empty reception desk.

JAIME:

That ends our tour of Hell Dot Com.

We are currently seeking a Hell Secretary

if you’re interested. See you in Hell!

God turns the computer off and turns it back around. Ethan is very much perplexed.

ETHAN:

I can’t be dead! The world couldn’t

live without me!

BIG GUY:

You don’t think so? Well, I can show

you that’s not true either. Oh Joseph!

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