ETHAN (silky brown hair, green eyes, slim physique) realized he fell asleep on an elevator. He does not recognize this elevator with the gilded walls, and he realizes the elevator has no buttons. He keeps going up and does not know where he is going, so he starts to worry. Suddenly, the elevator stops and the doors open. Ethan steps out cautiously.
INT. PEARLY GATES LOBBY.
Ethan walks into a reception area and looks around to figure out where he is. The walls and floors are cloudy white. There is not much else except a lot of doors and a pearly, circular desk at the center. HAILEY (blonde, perky, white business suit) sits behind the desk watching Ethan. Ethan, not knowing what else to do, goes up to Hailey.
Welcome to Heaven’s Headquarters!
Please fill out these forms.
Yes, to show us what would make
your eternity blissful.
Look, I’m not sure how I got here,
but I gotta leave. I got work in the
Work? No, you don’t work in Heaven.
It’s your time to relax.
Relax? I got a big presentantion
in the morning.
Listen, you’re not going back to
work. Or your home or anywhere
else. You’re dead.
Is that a threat? Are you holding
Hailey hits a pager button on her office phone.
Peter, can you come to the
Pearly Gates please?
PETER (a handsome man with a nice suit and a clipboard in his arm) appears next to Hailey instantly.
Who’s this? Let’s see…ah, Ethan
Miller. I told you that he is most
definitely welcome here.
I know, but he hasn’t accepted.
Who are you?
On Earth, I’m known as Saint Peter.
Saint Peter, huh? What are you guys,
the mob or something?
Wow! You weren’t kidding about this
guy. Better send him to the Big Guy.
Who? Where are you taking me.
Peter snaps his fingers, and Ethan instantly disappears.
INT. BIG GUY’S OFFICE.
Ethan appears in a huge office. It appears to be empty except for the same cloudy walls and floors and a big, wooden desk with a computer on it. No one is in the office yet. Ethan looks all around him in confusion.
Okay, what the hell just happened?
The BIG GUY (very tall, clean shaven man with gray hair and a light gray suit) appears in the room.
Sir, we don’t swear here. Go ahead
and have a seat.
A cushy chair appears before the desk.
You’re the “Big Guy?”
I’m known by many names. A higher
power, Nirvana, Inner Peace, Mother
Earth (somehow)…but you probably
refer to me as God.
Oh, you’re God? Yeah right!
What makes you doubt me?
God isn’t some businessman! He
has a really long beard and a robe.
You mean like this?
The Big Guy snaps his fingers and changes into Ethan’s description of God.
Yes, this look was all the rage when
the Bible was written, but we’ve made
some updates since then.
The Big Guy snaps his fingers and changes back into the outfit he previously wore.
Look, I don’t wanna be here, in
No? Would you rather be in Hell?
It’s not a s fun as rock stars make it
seem. Here, have a look.
The Big Guy turns his computer monitor around to face Ethan. An automated voice greets him.
Welcome to Hell Dot Com! I’m
Jaime, your virtual host. Let
me give you a tour!
The screen changes into a red office with a blonde man in a pepper-gray business suit sitting at a dark, wooden desk.
This is Lucifer’s Chamber! He
decides how cruel of an eternal
punishment a sinner gets.
The screen changes into a room with some fiendish monsters standing in front of some sharp things. The monsters smile and wave to the camera.
This is the physical pain and torture
chamber where sinners go to receive
a Hell of a lot of, well, pain and torture.
The screen changes to a completely empty room with a small green couch and a widescreen television.
This is the viewing room where
sinners are forced to watch their
worst nightmares over and over again.
The screen changes to small, run down town.
This is Sinners’ Living, the living
quarters of sinners. Their homes
turn into whatever they would
consider the most unbearable
The screen changes to a door with the number 666 on it.
This is Area Six Six Six, where the
most evil sinners go. It is so gruesome
that we cannot display it on the web.
The screen changes to a room full of what looks like operators and telemarketers.
This is the communications room
where our “devils” tempt ordinary
people to commit a sin.
The screen changes to a picture of an empty reception desk.
That ends our tour of Hell Dot Com.
We are currently seeking a Hell Secretary
if you’re interested. See you in Hell!
God turns the computer off and turns it back around. Ethan is very much perplexed.
I can’t be dead! The world couldn’t
live without me!
You don’t think so? Well, I can show
you that’s not true either. Oh Joseph!