The Unsuper Heroes, Part 1

EXT. MERCINON’S LAIR. STORMY DAY.

DARIUS (an eager, young assistant) heads stealthily towards his boss’s lair, which has traditional, ancient Greek style but has the architecture was designed to make the building appear haunted. Darius’s black cloak hides his toga, and the hood covers his face. Tension mounts until Darius trips on the stone path. He recovers himself, though his movements are less confident.

INT. MERCINON’S LAIR. STORMY DAY.

MERCINON ( a short, middle aged man who might be handsome if he was not so evil) stands on his beautifully wicked-looking balcony that rests next to his office, which consists of a desk, bookshelves filled with scrolls, and various strange items scattered about. Mercinon looks at the storm and thinks aloud.

MERCINON:
Look at them out there! Afraid of a little
wind and water! While they distress over
thunder and lightning, they have no idea
I have arrived and am ready to wreak
havoc! It really is amusing that they think
this storm is a monster; just wait until they
run into a real one!
(beat)
Who am I talking to? Myself, that can’t be
normal. And I’m still doing it!

There is a knock at the door.

MERCINON:
Oh, thank gods!

Darius enters. As he pulls down his hood, he sprays Mercinon with water spilling off his clothes.

DARIUS:
Oh my gods! I’m so sorry,
your highness!

MERCINON:
You idiot! I just came from a royal
bath, and now I’m going to have to
take another one!
(beat)
What is this urgent matter you wish
to discuss with me, Darius?

DARIUS:
Sire, as you know, I’ve been a faithful
servant for several years, and I’ve even
treated you as king, even though you
are not yet…

Mercinon impatiently motions for him to hurry up.

DARIUS:
Anyways, I hope you can trust my
opinions.

MERCINON:
Darius, do you remember what happened
to the last man who put a needless delay
in my day?

DARIUS:
Your hairdresser because he couldn’t find
his scissors? You fed him to the jackals.
(beat)
Oh, I get your drift. Well, sir, it’s your name.
It means full of mercy! If you wish to be
feared…

MERCINON:
I absolutely refuse to change my name!
I made a promise!

DARIUS:
I know, but your highness, your mother
is down in the underworld now. She’s
too busy having mead with Hades to
worry about-

MERCINON:
No! I promised her on her deathbed!
I will not change my name because
I’m afraid of her coming back to haunt me!
(beat)
Was that the only thing you wanted to
discuss?

DARIUS:
(hastily)
No! I thought we might release the
Menoreas tonight.

MERCINON:
Yes, the Menoreas could clean out this
hovel and give us an easier opening to
the capitol of this polis. After the
storm clears, send out the Menoreas!

Mercinon cackles evily, and Darius joins him. They do this for a good minute.

MERCINON:
I’m bored. You want to see if
my masseuse is available?

EXT. ORACLE’S TEMPLE. MORNING.

CYREK ( a retired but still attractively fit soldier) travels with his assistant, ORCUS (who is the same age but with a lot less attractive features and not as much intelligence). EST-a remote area with lots of green plants and a pathway leading to a small but nicely polished temple. Cyrek and Orcus seem to be stressed.

CYREK:
I still can’t believe this has happened
to us! Normally Chaos is such a peaceful
place!

ORCUS:
Have you told Prince Philoles yet?

CYREK:
Are you kidding? I could barely get
the senate to convene let alone send
a message to the capitol! Besides, do
you think he would have any idea how
to save Chaos from being destroyed by
a monster? No human knows how to
defeat it, so we’re calling on the gods for
help. The oracle will tell us what to do.

ORCUS:
Yes, I suppose it’s appropriate for the
senate leader to seek out advice from
beings more powerful than him so he
can save this land!

CYREK:
Actually, I wanted to stay and try to
protect the people of the village, but
when it came to vote who would see
the oracle, they elected me. Sometimes
I hate democracy!

INT. ORACLE’S TEMPLE. MORNING.

Cyrek and Orcus enter into the temple, which is lined with pink smoke. Through the haze they spot MELAMPIA (a beautiful yet intimidating young woman) hovering by her cauldron with a blindfold on. They approach her, and she continues to sway above the cauldron.

CYREK:
Melampia, it’s the senate leader, Cyrek,
from Chaos. My assistant and I have come
with an important question.

MELAMPIA:
Well, of course you have an important
question. No one enters for a cup of
tea or a pleasant chat!

CYREK:
Oh true.
(beat)
Chaos is overcome by a monster.

MELAMPIA:
The Menoreas, yes, they are the
first of several to attack.

CYREK:
You mean there’s going to be more?
What do we do? We can’t even handle
the one!

MELAMPIA:
I see a gang of heroes you must call
upon. They reside in the abandoned
smithery, just outside the village.

CYREK:
You mean…surely not! They’re the worst-

MELAMPIA:
They have the right powers.

CYREK:
The gods gave those idiots magic?
That’s it-life is officially unfair!

MELAMPIA:
If you send your soldiers, they will
all be instantly destroyed.

CYREK:
Hmm, so either they’ll save our polis
or they’ll die trying. We can’t lose!

ORCUS:
Be fair, Exelda is a good soldier.

CYREK:
She was good before she got kicked
out and started drinking. Anyways,
thank you for your time, Melampia.

ORCUS:
Wait! I just gotta know what’s in
that cauldron!

MELAMPIA:
Pomegranate soup. You may try some
if you like.

Orcus takes a spoonful and starts to sip.

MELAMPIA:
Careful, it’s got opium in it.

Orcus spits it out, and it lands back in the soup. Melampia tears off her blindfold and loses her mystical demeanor.

MELAMPIA:
Great! Now I got to start over! You
ruined it! You complete moron!

ORCUS:
You could’ve told me that before I
took a sip. I’ve got an important job-
I’ve got to keep my wits about me!

MELAMPIA:
Your wits? That’s a laugh! Do you
have any idea how long that took
to make? Ugh!

ORCUS:
Say, are you married? You’re really
beautiful…

Cyrek throws up his hands and leaves.

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