The Unsuper Heroes, Part 12

INT. MERCINON’S HIDEOUT. EVENING.

Impuso brings the heroes to a large, open area of the place where Mercinon hides away.

IMPUSO:
His office is upstairs. Are you ready?

DITZIA:
No!

Ditzia flings her arms around Narcius.

DITZIA:
If something happens to us, I want
you to know I love you!

NARCIUS:
Wow, no one has ever said that to
me before! I love you too!

They almost kiss, but Exelda breaks them up.

EXELDA:
That’s great and all, but we’re
kind of busy right now!

Mercinon goes to a balcony above the heroes and looks down on the scene.

MERCINON:
(to Impuso)
What in the name of Zeus are
you doing? Are you helping them?

PHILOLES:
Are you the one plaguing my kingdom?

Mercinon descends a staircase to meet them.

MERCINON:
That’s right. I’m Mercinon, your
future king. This is my assistant, Darius.

No one comes out.

MERCINON:
Oh right. I lost him last night after
he told me he’d be sending this idiot
out to get you.

IMPUSO:
What’s wrong with me?

MERCINON:
Nothing. What’s right with you?

IMPUSO:
If you believe that I’m incompetent,
then why did you hire me in the first
place? Maybe they’re right; you’re
just using me!

MERCINON:
Maybe they’re right? You’re so fired!

Impuso leaves the room.

HYPNOS:
Ha! You just fired your last ally.
Now it’s us six against you.
(laughs)

Mercinon gestures for someone to come in, and a bunch of soldiers appear. Hypnos stops laughing.

MERCINON:
Did you really think I would try to
take over the kingdom without an
army? Do you want to surrender or
actually face these soldiers by yourself?

EXELDA:
We’ll never surrender!

MERCINON:
Then any last words?

DITZIA:
You are so short!

MERCINON:
(angry)
Get them!

The six of them fight against Mercinon’s army. They do well, but they are outnumbered. The Greek soldiers appear and join their fight. They are still outnumbered.

MERCINON:
Ha! You will never defeat me! I
am the greatest-!

He is interrupted mid-word by being crushed by a giant foot. At first, everyone is scared, but they see the giant shrink into Impuso. The remaining of Mercinon’s soldiers surrender. Everyone else cheers. The soldiers all thank the heroes.

EXELDA:
Come on, we all played our part.

PHILOLES:
Yes, but it’s really your victory. It’s
been you five from the beginning, and
you deserve the credit.

HYPNOS:
Don’t forget our big finish here!
(indicates Impuso)

IMPUSO:
It does feel good to be on the
winning side.

NARCIUS:
Would you like to join our hero
thingy-ma-bobber?

IMPUSO:
Sure.

CYREK:
Good job to you all! I think it’s
high time we return the prince
to the palace!

HYPNOS:
Aw man! That’s really far from here!
(to Impuso)
Do you think you could change into
a giant chariot and whisk us all there?

Exelda pushes him out the door. Everyone follows in high spirits.

INT. THRONE ROOM. NIGHT.

The king and queen sit in distress while the princess looks despondent. They see Philoles enters followed by the heroes, Cyrek, and Orcus. The royal family is overjoyed to see him and run over to hug him.

KING:
My son! I was so worried!

PHILOLES:
I’m alright, thanks to these guys!

Philoles points to the heroes, who look humble.

QUEEN:
These are the ones prescribed by
the oracle? She is so wise!

ORCUS:
And a strong hitter! Don’t ask me
how I know that!

PHILOLES:
This is Narcius, Ditzia, Hypnos, Impuso,
Geekius, and I think you remember
Exelda.

PRINCESS:
How could we forget?

EXELDA:
I’ve tried.

KING:
Well, I think you guys ought to
get a reward.

HYPNOS:
I think you used our reward money
as bait today. When we killed
Mercinon, we really should’ve
grabbed it.

PHILOLES:
Actually, I remembered. Didn’t you
notice that I’m wearing a satchel
over my shoulders now? Here,
divide it among yourselves.

Philoles takes off the satchel from his shoulder and throws it down to the heroes. Hypnos dives in immediately. Geekius, Ditzia, Impuso, and Narcius look interested. Exelda stands with Philoles.

EXELDA:
(points to a table)
Looks like you have mail.

Philoles picks it up and thumbs through it all.

PHILOLES:
What’s this? Six pairs of shoes
from Nike?

EXELDA:
(laughs)
Not my idea!

PHILOLES:
Right. Well, since this monster
business is over, I hope I still can
see you once in a while.

EXELDA:
Well, I’m sure this isn’t going to be
the last time we deal with monsters!
I don’t feel like this is over!

PHILOLES:
Yeah, but I meant…

PRINCESS:
I think my brother would like to
court you.

EXELDA:
Me? Really?

PHILOLES:
What do you say?

Exelda holds his hand and smiles. Philoles smiles too.

DITZIA:
Awwwwww!

Before anyone else can respond, MAURA (a small, old woman who carries a walking stick) walks in.

MAURA:
Excuse me. My name is Maura.
I’m looking for my son, Mercinon.
Do you know where he is?

GEEKIUS:
I’m sorry to inform you, ma’am,
but your son is dead.

MAURA:
(shrugs)
I know. So am I. I just thought
he’d be back by now.

She disappears. Everyone else looks scared and confused.

DITZIA:
I don’t get it. Is it over or not?

Everyone shrugs.

Cut to credits.

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The Unsuper Heroes, Part 11

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. AFTERNOON.

The heroes walk in and see a maze of boxes stacked up high. They walk cautiously.

DITZIA:
What’s in the boxes anyways?

EXELDA:
They were mass producing something
before the king shut it down. Must not
be valuable or they would have taken it.

NARCIUS:
Maybe it’s something we can use, like
mirrors…

EXELDA:
Don’t open it! It could be dangerous.

GEEKIUS:
They’re all nailed shut. He could try
but he would not be successful.

HYPNOS:
If we find one open, I’d say we look
inside.

EXELDA:
Curiosity killed the cat.

DITZIA:
We’re not cats though.

HYPNOS:
Though some of us have the same
intelligence…

They come to an intersection. There are three possible ways to go.

EXELDA:
Okay, I think we should split up.

HYPNOS:
Why does that sound so foreboding?

EXELDA:
Okay, Geekius, you and Narcius go
left. Ditzia, you and Hypnos go right.
I’m gonna go straight. If you find
anything, just shout. Any questions?

DITZIA:
Why can’t I be with Narcius?

EXELDA:
No distractions!

GEEKIUS:
Good luck everyone!

They go in separate paths.

INT. WAREHOUSE PATH 1. AFTERNOON.

Exelda keeps going straight. She sees a figure in the distance. She pulls out her sword and approaches cautiously. When she gets closer, she sees that it is Philoles tied and gagged to some boxes. She puts her sword down and rushes to untie him.

EXELDA:
Are you okay?

PHILOLES:
I’m fine. Wow, you’re sober?

EXELDA:
You’re suprised? You ordered me to
be sober!

PHILOLES:
I thought with my fate uncertain that
you wouldn’t hesitate to “pay tribute
to Bacchus.”

EXELDA:
I still wanted to honor your wishes.

PHILOLES:
That was sweet of you!

EXELDA:
Sweet? How dehydrated are you?

Before Philoles can respond, they hear a small crash.

PHILOLES:
Where are the others?

EXELDA:
We split up to cover the warehouse
faster. Why, is there a monster in here?

PHILOLES:
Kind of. We had better find them.

INT. WAREHOUSE PATH 2. AFTERNOON.

Exelda and Philoles walk around in a very alert manner. Eventually, they see Hypnos lazily lounging against some boxes and Ditzia sitting Indian style next to him.

EXELDA:
What are you two doing?

DITZIA:
Hypnos said he was going to sit
here and wait for the monster to
come to him, and I thought it was
a good idea, so I joined him.

PHILOLES:
Get up! We’ve got to find your friends.

Hypnos and Ditzia realize the prince is there and immediately stand up.

HYPNOS:
What does the monster look like?

PHILOLES:
I don’t know.

HYPNOS:
You didn’t see it?

PHILOLES:
Well, yes, but…

They hear Narcius’s girly scream. They all run to find him.

INT. WAREHOUSE PATH 3. AFTERNOON.

Hypnos, Ditzia, Philoles, and Exelda run to find Narcius cowering in a corner.

EXELDA:
Where’s the monster?

Narcius points behind them, and they see a mouse. Geekius runs up and finds them.

GEEKIUS:
There you are! Is that what you
ran from? A mouse?

NARCIUS:
That’s not an ordinary mouse!

HYPNOS:
What’s the worst he can do? Bite you?

The mouse morphs into a lion.

NARCIUS:
Yeah, that’s the worst he can do.

The lion comes at them, and they all scatter. He goes for Narcius. Exelda comes up from behind to attack. The tail morphs into a tentacle. It grabs her and throws her against the wall. The wall falls apart, and she is burried under debris. Philoles goes to free her while Hypnos tries to set the lion on fire. He runs after Hypnos, so Narcius jumps onto his back. The lion grows scales, one of which hits Narcius in the groin. He doubles over and falls off. Geekius turns himself invisible and goes after it. He throws Hypnos at him, whose fire makes him visible. He swipes them both, and they cannot get up. The creature heads to Philoles. Ditzia sees she has to act.

DITZIA:
Uh oh. It’s up to me. I gotta make
myself cry.
(beat)
I can’t think of anything! We’re doomed!

That thought makes her cry. She flies. The creature sprouts bat wings and flies after her. Exelda is now free from the debris.

EXELDA:
Ditzia! You’ve got to outsmart it!

HYPNOS:
We’re depending on her outsmarting
someone? We’re doomed!

She knocks into one of the boxes, and it falls on top of the monster. It turns out to be a box of wigs, and the monster now wears some curly locks. Ditzia stops in amusement.

DITZIA:
Oh, it’s killing me not to laugh right
now! Do you have any idea how
ugly you look?

The monster screams and falls down. The creature changes back into Impuso.

EXELDA:
Who are you?

IMPUSO:
That’s a good question.

NARCIUS:
You don’t know?

IMPUSO:
Well, my name is Impuso, and I’m
a shape-shifter, but that’s all I know.
I can be anyone I want, so who am I?

GEEKIUS:
Wow, a morphing man with an
identity crisis!

HYPNOS:
So, if you don’t know who your are,
why are you choosing to work for
someone who’s evil?

IMPUSO:
He’s not evil! He’s just power hungry.

EXELDA:
So, what are you hoping will happen?
After he destroys Chaos, he will be a
good and prosperous king who will
give you a cushy job? Please! He is
just using you!

IMPUSO:
You’re lying!

DITZIA:
He doesn’t cry over the monsters we
killed. He just sends out more. If he
cared about the monsters we killed,
he would go find us himself.

IMPUSO:
He could take you on if he wanted to!

PHILOLES:
Then prove it! Take us to him!

IMPUSO:
Fine. You’ll see.

EXELDA:
Yes we will.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 10

INT. SENATE BUILDING. MORNING.

The five heroes enter to talk to the senate. Everyone stays seated but receives them warmly.

CYREK:
Welcome, O Heroes of Chaos!
We owe you a big thanks!

HYPNOS:
By thanks, do you mean pay check?

Exelda hits him. He holds onto his arm.

EXELDA:
We have reason to believe the
person who kidnapped Philoles
is sending out the monsters that
are terrorizing our polis.

CYREK:
What makes you think that?

EXELDA:
Philoles knew that if Ditzia laughs,
she can’t move for half an hour.
After he was kidnapped, the monters
started tickling her to make her laugh.
How would they all know how to do
that unless someone told them to do it?

SENATOR 1:
If the kidnapper is also sending out
monsters, what is his motive? Why
demand money if you are planning
to destroy the kingdom?

GEEKIUS:
Greed. They want power. If they send
out enough monsters, our defenses
will be weak and they can take over
Chaos. However, they’d rather have
us deliver the money instead of having
to look for it.

SENATOR 2:
So, if we give them the money,
we wouldn’t be doing the kingdom
any good?

EXELDA:
If we did it the way they want us to,
then no. But had the idea of giving
them the money to reveal the kidnapper.

SENATOR 3:
Ah, so we pretend to give them the
money and arrest him when he comes
to get it?

HYPNOS:
No. I know lazy, and clearly this guy
sends out others to do his bidding.
He’d only take action if he absolutely
had to. We’d follow the guy he sends to
see where he is hiding.

NARCIUS:
We don’t know what kind of guards
he has, but we think he may have
some kind of monster by the entrance.
Possibly he may even have one in the
room where Philoles is in.

CYREK:
So, what you’re saying is you guys
want to join our soldiers when we
invade the hideout?

DITZIA:
Yeah, but we want to clear the area
of monsters first. Plus, we don’t want
to bring a bunch of soldiers right away
because we think that a direct invansion
would make him do something desperate,
like kill our prince. So, we kill the monsters,
bring out Philoles, and then you guys can
face his army.
(beat)
What? I say smart things sometimes!

EXELDA:
Yes, we think he may have an army
of some sort. Or, if he’s alone, our
job will be easy. But we want to keep
our soldiers safe until we know it’s
clear in the hideout.

SENATOR 1:
How do we hide a whole army?

ORCUS:
I know! We get a big wooden horse
and pretend it’s a gift when really
it’s full of soldiers…

CYREK:
We already did that in the Trojan War.

ORCUS:
Never heard of it.

EXELDA:
If you keep a distance, they shouldn’t
spot you. There’s no way to fully prepare
for the unknown, as we’ve discovered
during this ordeal, so just use resources
around you and listen to your instincts.
First step-we need money.

HYPNOS:
Thank you!

EXELDA:
For the ransom bait.

Hypnos pouts. The senators think about places to get the money.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING. AFTERNOON.

The heroes, Cyrek, Orcus, and some soldiers hide behind some trees waiting. Most of them are getting bored and/or antsy.

ORCUS:
Can we at least take a break for lunch?

CYREK:
Shut up! They could hear us!

ORCUS:
Who? There’s no one here!

CYREK:
Shut up!

IMPUSO (a man in his thirties in fairly good shape) walks into the clearing. He looks around to see if the coast is clear. Everyone holds their breath trying not to be discovered. He decides the coast is clear and looks inside the satchel. He sees the money, seems mildly impressed, takes the money, and leaves.

EXELDA:
Okay, we’ll follow him at a distance, and
you follow us from a distance. Try not
to get too close to the hideout til we give
the signal. Any questions?

ORCUS:
Now can we break for lunch?

EXELDA:
(to the heroes)
Let’s go.

EXT. WAREHOUSE ENTRANCE. AFTERNOON.

The heroes see Impuso enter an abandoned warehouse from the side. They follow him inside.

INT. WAREHOUSE HALL. AFTERNOON.

The heroes find themselves inside a dark, empty hallway.

NARCIUS:
This is too easy!

A SCYLLA (six dog heads, sharp teeth, tentacle legs, cat tail) appears snarling before them.

NARCIUS:
Never mind!

They all roll in different directions to avoid the different heads. Exelda tries to chop off a head but her sword cannot penetrate its skin. Nobody really knows what to do.

EXELDA:
No! We didn’t come this far
to stop now!

GEEKIUS:
Wait! I read about this! It’s a Scylla!

HYPNOS:
Great! Now I can die rest assurred
I know the name of what’s going to
kill me!

GEEKIUS:
Get it into the sun!

They all run back outside.

EXT. WAREHOUSE ENTRANCE. AFTERNOON.

The heroes lure the monsters outside, but unfortunately for them, overcast clouds block the sun. The monster advances to them.

DITZIA:
There’s a little bit of sun right here.

EXELDA:
I think it needs more direct sunlight.

GEEKIUS:
I got it!

He grabs a mirror out of Narcius’s belt buckle. He makes the mirror reflect sunlight onto the Scylla. The Scylla instantly freezes into a statue. The mirror breaks.

EXELDA:
Great job, Geekius!

GEEKIUS:
Thanks, boss!

EXELDA:
I’m not the boss! We’re a unified
group!

HYPNOS:
Oh please! You’re the leader of the
group because you keep us together
and make us stay on task. We would’ve
died a long time ago without you!

EXELDA:
Aw, you guys!

DITZIA:
Yes, we’re a big, happy family, but
the prince is waiting for us! Let’s go!

They run back in.

NARCIUS:
You guys owe me a mirror!

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 9

INT. SCHOLAR’S LIBRARY. MORNING.

Exelda and Geekius are looking up monsters in a couple of books. Hypnos lazily heats up some food. Narcius admires his reflection while Ditzia watches him, ignoring the book in front of her. Exelda is getting annoyed.

DITZIA:
Narcius? Can I tell you something?

NARCIUS:
Okay, what?

DITZIA:
Well, I, uh, I think you’re kind of
handsome…

NARCIUS:
You’re wrong; I’m not kind of handsome,
I am extremely handsome!

EXELDA:
And I think you’re extremely thick!

NARCIUS:
Thick? I am perfect sized! You don’t
get it!

GEEKIUS:
No, I think you’re the one who
doesn’t get it.

EXELDA:
Can you read at all?

NARCIUS:
What a question! Can I read?

EXELDA:
Here, try this one! If you see a
monster we might encounter,
just point and grunt.

HYPNOS:
I sense a lot of tension. You know,
we’re all so unused to working, so
everyone is stressed. I think we should
take a break at the bath house and return
back to this scholar guy’s house after
we’ve all feel relaxed and rejuvinated.

GEEKIUS:
Good idea!

They start to leave when they hear crashing followed by screams.

EXELDA:
So much for relaxation!

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 4. MORNING.

They walk out to see POLYPHEMA (a Cyclops woman who is taller than most buildings and has the brutish looks of a cave person) crushing buildings.

EXELDA:
Okay…So, it’s just like killing a person
just like in war. Except instead of
Athenians, it’s someone who can
eat us like candy.

GEEKIUS:
If we knock her down, she could cause
an earthquake followed by a tsunami!

HYPNOS:
So, what do we do?

DITZIA:
Don’t ask me. They keep tickling me,
so I’m useless.

EXELDA:
Wait a minute! How would all the
monsters know how to do that?
Unless…

GEEKIUS:
Can we talk about this later?

Polyphema stands right before them and looks down curiously. Narcius is closest to her and looks ready to wet his pants.

POLYPHEMA:
Out me way! Polyphema crush village!

NARCIUS:
You don’t want to hurt us! You’re too…
(beat)
beautiful?

POLYPHEMA:
You think Polyphema beautiful?

Narcius looks back at the others, who urge him to go along with it.

NARCIUS:
Well, I can honestly say I’ve never
seen a woman like you before!

POLYPHEMA:
You make Polyphema blush!

Exelda, Ditzia, Geekius, and Hypnos huddle together.

HYPNOS:
Are you kidding? She’ll destroy all of
Greece if they didn’t work out! I mean,
they can’t work out. He couldn’t put his,
(clears throat)
in her. He could probably walk in like
it’s a cave!

EXELDA:
That’s an idea!

DITZIA:
Ew! No way!

EXELDA:
No, we could lure her to the
nearby woods so she can’t crush
anymore houses. And then she’ll
be pretty off her guard. You see
where I’m going with this?

Everyone catches her drift.

EXELDA:
(to Ditzia)
Don’t let her tickle you…

DITZIA:
I’m not going near that! Bleck!

They break apart. Narcius has been complimenting her this whole time.

NARCIUS:
Aphrodite surely will bless you with
many lovers…

POLYPHEMA:
No, Polyphema all alone.

NARCIUS:
No way!

Hypnos whispers into Narcius’s ear.

NARCIUS:
No way!

Narcius sees Exelda give him a warning look.

NARCIUS:
(shudders)
There’s a nearby field. What do
you say we, um, pillage your village?

POLYPHEMA:
Okay. Polyphema like you.

NARCIUS:
Of course you do.

Polyphema leads the way. Narcius looks back at the others with annoyance. They shrug it off, laughing slightly.

EXT. FOREST MEADOW. MORNING.

A small meadow rests next to a forest. Polyphema lies down seductively. Narcius tries to repress his disgust. He is not sure what to do. Geekius hits himself in the head and walks over to Narcius while invisible.

GEEKIUS:
(whispers)
We came up with a plan on the way.
Get her to lie on her back.

NARCIUS:
Okay, my lady, lie down on your
back for me.

POLYPHEMA:
(giggles)
Okay.

GEEKIUS:
Have her grab onto the trees
for “leverage.”

NARCIUS:
My sweet, you’re going to need to
grab those trees for leverage.

Polyphema giggles girlishly and grabs onto a couple of trees.

GEEKIUS:
Now tell her to close her eyes.

NARCIUS:
Close your eyes.

She smiles and closes her eyes. Hypnos runs over and ties her hands together. She does not suspect anything. Ditzia silently cries, picks up Exelda, and flies over Polyphema. Exelda thrusts her sword into Polyphema’s chest. Polyphema is shocked. Now that she knows what is going on, she tries to fight back but cannot. Exelda has to stab her two more times before she dies. Ditzia flies back to the ground.

NARCIUS:
Great! Now, can we go to the bath
house? I gotta wash this unclean
feeling I have!

HYPNOS:
(laughing)
Did you see under her toga?

NARCIUS:
No, thank gods! You bastards!

Exelda, Hypnos, and Geekius laugh.

EXELDA:
Hey, you called her beautiful.

NARCIUS:
Only because I almost called her
ugly, and I knew that would’ve been
a huge mistake.

They continue laughing as they headed back to town.

INT. MERINON’S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mercinon is standing in front of a mirror practicing a speech.

MERCINON:
As your beloved king, it is my first
duty to impose laws to protect you,
which is why I decree that you may
not walk your camel around sunset.
It is dangerous with the chariots of
workers…

There is a knock at the door.

MERCINON:
Enter.

Darius walks in.

MERCINON:
Did you find a monster that
wouldn’t be seduced?

DARIUS:
Yeah. And I fed the prince.

MERCINON:
You fed him?

DARIUS:
Yes. If we return him, he’s gotta be
in good shape, right?

MERCINON:
No, he just has to be alive.

DARIUS:
Oh.
(beat)
I’m sorry. I keep disappointing
you, your highness.

MERCINON:
This is your last chance. If I’m not
king by the end of the night, you
will be fed to the jackals!

DARIUS:
I won’t disappoint you, my lord.

MERCINON:
I know. That’s why I’m practicing my
speeches before I turn in.
(to the mirror)
It will be illegal for anyone to cut off
their own head…

Darius looks like he is going to say something but decides to let it go and leaves.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 8

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 3. AFTERNOON.

They are right before a neighboring village when they all get stuck in mud. They have to remove their sandals to get out.

DITZIA:
Ew! Why did we go through the mud!

EXELDA:
I’m sure there’s a cobbler somewhere
in this area come on.

They find one not too far away from the town’s entrance and walk in.

INT. COBBLER’S HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

NIKE (an old man with a wild beard and misty eyes) comes out from the back room to greet them.

NIKE:
Welcome to my shop! I’m Nike.

GEEKIUS:
Like the goddess?

NIKE:
Yes. My mother thought I’d be
a girl. But I thought it’d be fitting
to become a cobbler.

HYPNOS:
Nike and shoes…Nah, I don’t see
that catching on.

NIKE:
What can I do for you?

EXELDA:
Well, as you can probably see from
our feet we are in need of new shoes.

NIKE:
Ah, so you want to adopt one of my
babies?

DITZIA:
Your what?

NIKE:
(to Ditzia)
Try him on.

Ditzia looks a little uncomfortable as he puts on the shoes.

NIKE:
There. He fits you nicely.
(to the shoes)
You’re going to find a good
home today, my dear.

HYPNOS:
(whispers to heroes)
That is so creepy.

NIKE:
(to Exelda)
They are for you.
(to Narcius)
And for you.
(to Hypnos)
And you two are a perfect
match!
(to Geekius)
I’ve got a special pair for you.
It’s in the back. Please excuse me.

Nike goes to a store room. Some beautiful and seductive singing is heard. Exelda continues to stare at the room where Nike is. Geekius is too busy thinking to notice. Ditzia stares at feet, still creeped out. Narcius and Hypnos are drawn to the music. In a trance, they leave the shop.

DITZIA:
At least they’re comfortable, right?

She looks up to where Narcius and Hypnos were standing and notices the two missing.

DITZIA:
Where did they go?

EXELDA:
(looks outside)
They’re in trouble! Let’s go!

Ditzia and Exelda leave.

GEEKIUS:
Wait, where’d everyone go? Don’t
leave me alone with…

Nike comes out.

GEEKIUS:
Oh, hi.

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 3. AFTERNOON.

Hypnos and Narcius walk in a trance towards the SIRENS (three beautiful women wearing sexy clothes and make up). Exelda grabs the boys’ togas.

EXELDA:
Wait! These are the dangerous
women who make men crash
their ships!

NARCIUS:
We’re not on a ship!

They cannot break free of her grip, so they drag Exelda along. Ditzia stands in front of the doorway where the Sirens are standing.

DITZIA:
Stop looking at them!

It is enough to break them of their trance and they look away. The Sirens tickle Ditzia, and she falls down. They follow the boys singing and trying even harder to seduce them. The boys hid behind Exelda. Geekius comes out with his fingers in his ears. He too hides.

GEEKIUS:
I’ve got an idea! Someone hit
my head!

Exelda his him. He gets knocked out.

HYPNOS:
Too hard, man. I mean woman.

Narcius picks up a rock and throws it at the Sirens’ direction. It hits one in the eye, and their attitude changes. The boys feel safe looking at them as they examine on of the Siren’s eye. Seeing how she might have a bruise, the girls start growling.

NARCIUS:
I’m starting to regret my idea…

The Sirens change into snarling beasts (who look like a cat except they are purple and have a hideous face). Exelda picks up a huge rock and throws it at them. One gets knocked out. One takes a swipe at them, and the three who can still move scatter. They keep throwing rocks at them since its seems to be working. The beasts want to fight each of them, but they get confused with stones flying everywhere. Exelda runs out of stones and throws Ditzia at them. One beast is pinned down. Hypnos distracts the last one with his fire. The beast runs and trips over an invisible Geekius. Narcius quickly pins it down while Exelda uses the big rock to kill it. Hypnos kills the knocked out one. Narcius picks up Ditzia while Exelda kills the last one. The town rejoices. Geekius wakes up and they start to leave.

NIKE:
Hey! You forgot to pay me!

HYPNOS:
Send the bill to Philoles. He
owes us money!

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. EVENING.

Mercinon is rather flamboyantly practicing sword fighting. Darius walks in and almost gets slashed.

DARIUS:
Woah! You almost killed me!

MERCINON:
You really gotta start knocking.
What do you want anyways? Are
you here to tell me how you
screwed you screwed up this time?

DARIUS:
We brought down the blonde girl,
and I was so sure the rest of them
liked women.

MERCINON:
Idiot.

Mercinon’s swordplay gets stronger.

MERCINON:
What’s your next move?

DARIUS:
Well, I found Echinda…

MERCINON:
The mother of all monsters! That’s
brilliant! Our regime can continue
indefinitely!

DARIUS:
But…

MERCINON:
I should’ve known there was a but.

Mercinon slashes more.

DARIUS:
Hades came and took her for a pet.

MERCINON:
So, who are you sending out instead?

DARIUS:
I spent all day getting Echinda. Now
it’s too late.

MERCINON:
You think you deserve sleep after this?

Mercinon moves so fast that he falls down to the ground.

MERCINON:
Jackals…

DARIUS:
Are you okay?

MERCINON:
Jackals…

DARIUS:
Okay, I’m gone!

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 7

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.

Darius walks in to see Mercinon in the downward facing dog position.

DARIUS:
Sire?

MERCINON:
I’ve taken up yoga. It’s an Eastern
method of relaxation. I’m tired of
losing my strongest monsters.

DARIUS:
Well, I’ve got a piece of good news.

MERCINON:
Just a piece, eh? Not a whole good
news segment?

Darius brings in Philoles, who is tied and gagged. Philoles glares at Mercinon.

MERCINON:
What did you do?

DARIUS:
I kidnapped the prince.

MERCINON:
I can see that, but why?

DARIUS:
He caught me capturing a monster.

MERCINON:
You know, in some cases, killing a
witness makes sense. But you could’ve
easily been an innocent villager trying
to get rid of a monster! And you don’t
intend on killing him? We don’t play
with politics-we just destroy people!

DARIUS:
But wouldn’t being king be…oh, never
mind. I thought we could hold him
ransom and get some gold before we
destroy the land.

MERCINON:
Oh, good idea. Hold him wherever you keep
the monsters and send an anonymous
letter to the king. And in the morning,
send out the next monster. I hope the
next one isn’t so easy to destroy.

DARIUS:
Oh, don’t worry. This one no man
stands a chance against!

Philoles tries to say something but is muffled.

MERCINON:
Don’t insult my mother! She could
be here anytime!

DARIUS:
Yes, she’s dead. Don’t worry about it.
Or do worry about it, I don’t care.

Darius drags Philoles out of the room. Mercinon resumes his yoga.

INT. HEROES’ HOME. MORNING.

Exelda is laying down on a ratty couch, exasperated. Narcius is trying to sword fight with an invisible Geekius. At first, Narcius is totally overwhelmed, but Geekius trips over his feet, so Narcius stands on his back. Ditzia applauds.

NARCIUS:
Ah, now you can see my ancestral
noble blood at work. I don’t even
to see my opponent to beat them.

HYPNOS:
Yeah, great. Next time we face a
monster, we’ll just blindfold you.

He puts a little fire on Geekius to make him visible. Ditzia puts it out.

NARCIUS:
Is that jealousy I hear?

EXELDA:
No, it’s reality, which totally sucks!

HYPNOS:
Is it that hard to be sober?

EXELDA:
It’s like you giving up sitting.

HYPNOS:
Ouch.

NARCIUS:
You know, Exelda, I’ve been
wondering something about
yesterday.

GEEKIUS:
You could get off of me at any
time, you know?

NARCIUS:
(steps off Geekius)
If you have super strength, why
couldn’t you take Ditzia off of you?

EXELDA:
She was cutting off the circulation
in my arms!

HYPNOS:
Maybe she wanted her to stay on!

EXELDA:
Yeah, that makes sense, why did I
make you taker her off me?

GEEKIUS:
Do you even like men?

EXELDA:
Of course! Not all men are the same.
Just most of them. And they admit
it too.

The men shrug and agree with that.

NARCIUS:
You like some men, but can you
picture yourself getting married
to one?

EXELDA:
No. I wouldn’t mind getting married,
but I can’t imagine a guy wanting to
marry as equal partners.

DITZIA:
Philoles wants to treat you like an
equal, but you’re too afraid to
admit you’ve got feelings for him.

EXELDA:
I don’t have feelings for him!

DITZIA:
I can tell. You have the same look
in your eyes as I do when I think
about…shopping.

EXELDA:
Whatever. Let’s stop talking about
my non-existent love life and get
back to practice.

Before anyone can respond, there is a knock at the door.

GEEKIUS:
Excellent! That must be Philoles. Now
we can see if his promise of payment
will come into fruition.

Geekius opens the door, and it turns out to be Cyrek and Orcus. They appear to be distressed.

EXELDA:
What’s going on?

CYREK:
Do you have any idea where
Philoles could be?

HYPNOS:
We haven’t seen him since yesterday
when he said he would see his father
about paying us. So, are we getting a
lump sum or equal installments?

CYREK:
What? I haven’t heard about anything
of the sort. It seems that you were the
last people to have seen him. Prince
Philoles has been kidnapped.

The heroes react with shock.

EXELDA:
How do you know he was kidnapped?
Are you sure he isn’t hurt or lost?

ORCUS:
There was a ransom note from someone
anonymous demanding we deliver the
prince’s worth of gold under some tree
by sunset in three days.

NARCIUS:
So, are you going to pay the money?

CYREK:
Eventually. We want to find him first.
If we pay this creep, it’ll be a major
toll to our economy.

DITZIA:
We can help you find him. We’re not
doing much.

HYPNOS:
I’m never doing much.

ORCUS:
I thought you were supposed to
be training.

EXELDA:
While we’re out, we’ll do some
research about monsters. It’ll
be easier to train if we know what
we’re up against.

CYREK:
Okay. If you find him, make sure
you keep him safe. And bring us
the villain dead or alive.

Cyrek and Orcus leave.

NARCIUS:
(to Exelda)
You don’t want to do research.
You want to find your boyfriend.

EXELDA:
He’s not my boyfriend! The kingdom
is in trouble! And I don’t think it’s
a coincidence that his kidnapping
occurred in the middle of these
monster attacks. I think if we find
this bad guy, we’ll save the kingdom.
Our honor will be restored and we
can have better lives!

GEEKIUS:
Well, I’m in favor of research, of course.
It’ll be a better use of our time than
the pitiful practice we’ve been doing.

HYPNOS:
Come on! The sooner we find Philoles,
the sooner we get paid!
(beat)
And we’d save the kingdom and all that.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 6

INT. HEROES’ HOME. AFTERNOON.

Narcius is running around the room with his toga on fire. Exelda tries fruitlessly to get him to stop. Ditzia looks worried while Hypnos laughs at him. Narcius finally trips over an invisible Geekius, who turns visible coming into contact with fire. Exelda throws a bucket of water on them both.

EXELDA:
You know running makes it worse.

NARCIUS:
No, your nagging makes it worse!

Exelda glares at him.

NARCIUS:
I’m only kidding!
(laughs nervously)

HYPNOS:
Well, at least we figured out a faster
way for Geekius to turn visible.

DITZIA:
Yeah, this practice wasn’t a total waste
of time, just mostly.

EXELDA:
We got lucky killing the Menoreas. We’ll
be totally unprepared for whatever is
coming next.

HYPNOS:
You need to relax more. Who knows
when the next one will come? Could
be days or even weeks from now.

NARCIUS:
Guys, it’s in women’s natures to worry.
And it’s in my nature to be as strong
as a Minotaur!

He flexes his arms in a series of poses. Exelda shakes her head while Ditzia applauds.

EXELDA:
I’m the one with super strength.

NARCIUS:
But you are not an Olympic champion
and you never will be because you’re
not allowed to compete.

EXELDA:
Look, there’s a spider!

NARCIUS:
Nice try, but I know how this works.
I jump up and scream when there’s
nothing there, you all laugh, and I
die a little inside.

DITIZIA:
She’s not lying.

Narcius screams and jumps onto a nearby box. Hypnos lazily smashes the spider, and in doing so, he kicks Narcius’s box, which makes him fall. Exelda, Geekius, and Hypnos laugh.

DITZIA:
Are you okay? Did you hit your head
and get less intelligent? Becuase that’s
what I think happened to me…

Before Narcius can answer, a crash followed by some scream is heard from outside.

GEEKIUS:
It sounds like we’re needed.

HYPNOS:
You think?

GEEKIUS:
I always think.

They gather their things and leave.

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 2. AFTERNOON.

The five find themselves feet away from the THE POINTS (who are three giant, winged, bronzed men with large, pointy noses). They throw heavy things at people.

HYPNOS:
I got an idea…let’s just forfeit and
worship them as our overlords.

EXELDA:
Stop talking like a coward. They’re
men, so maybe they speak our
language. Ditzia, why don’t you
talk to them?

DITZIA:
I gotta cry first. Somebody think of
something! Oh, I got it!

She starts to cry and flies up to them.

DITZIA:
Hi! I’m Ditzia!

POINT 1:
We’re the Points, and we don’t
care for you.

They use one of their golden feathers to tickle her. She laughs and falls to the ground landing on Exelda.

EXELDA:
Get her off me! I’ve got to fight them!

DITZIA:
I can’t move for half an hour.

EXELDA:
(to the others)
Do something!

NARCIUS:
I’ll get her off…of you, I mean.

The Points throw a barrel at him, knocking him out.

HYPNOS:
Woah, is he still alive?
(goes over to him)

EXELDA:
(to Geekius)
Can you lift heavy objects?

GEEKIUS:
Not well.

EXELDA:
Then go distract the monsters!

Geekius walks to them. They stop and look curiously.

GEEKIUS:
(very nervous)
So, have you guys heard of the
Pythagorean Theorem?

POINT 2:
No, what is it?

GEEKIUS:
Well, it’s a way of measuring triangles
without having to measure one of the
sides.

POINT 3:
How does that work?

GEEKIUS:
(relaxes a little)
Well, if you take the sum of the squares
of each…

HYPNOS:
(to Exelda and Ditzia)
They’re actually interested?

EXELDA:
I know Ditzia looks small, but she’s
actually pretty heavy…

Hypnos takes Ditzia aside and puts her next to Narcius.

EXELDA:
Okay, let’s see…They’re made of metal,
so what destroys metal?

HYPNOS:
Geekius would know.

EXELDA:
We live in an old smithery! What did
they use to make the swords? The fireplace!
Hypnos, you need to melt them!

HYPNOS:
I can’t make enough fire to melt them
at once.

EXELDA:
Hmm…Oh, we can use that haystack
and make it rain fiery hay from that
rooftop!

HYPNOS:
Ugh, I have to climb all the way
up there?

EXELDA:
No, I’ll throw you.

She puts him on an empty cart and jumps on the other end. Hypnos flies to the top of the roof and lands with a thud. The Points do not notice.

GEEKIUS:
It is helpful to know! If you need to
know what size ladder to use, just
apply this formula…

Exelda climbs to the top of the roof with a hay stack.

POINT 2:
Does it work on all triangles?

GEEKIUS:
No, on right angles.

Exelda makes it rain hay while Hypnos sets the hay on fire. By the time the Points notice, it’s too late. They catch on fire and wail as they melt away. The townspeople cheer and thank them. Narcius wakes up.

NARCIUS:
Did we win?

EXELDA:
No, we lost and they’re really
supportive!

DITIZIA:
Looks like this time they don’t
mind getting rid of the body!

The townspeople all scramble to collect the melted gold.