The Unsuper Heroes, Part 5

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mercinonis asleep with his head on the desk. He hears Darius enter and bolts awake.

MERCINON:
I’m still here?

He looks at Darius, whose clothes are torn and his body is all scratched up.

MERCINON:
Your new girlfriend likes it rough!

DARIUS:
My girlfriend didn’t do that! Well, that
scratch she did. Anyways, I found some
monsters for you. It took some persuading,
but I’ve convinced them to help us. By the
way, you owe them a lot of gold.

MERCINON:
Tell them I’ll pay them once the job is
done. If those jerks kill them, at least
I can keep the gold.

DARIUS:
They demanded the gold up front. But
not to spend it. Apparently they eat it.

MERCINON:
What??? They eat money? No way!

DARIUS:
Would you rather wait for a cheaper
monster?

MERCINON:
(holding back tears)
Okay, I’ll do it.

Darius starts to leave.

MERCINON:
Darius!

Darius turns around.

MERCINON:
The next monster better be
cheaper or-

DARIUS:
Jackals, right.

Darius leaves. Mercinon picks up a piece of gold and bites it. It tastes terrible and he hurts his teeth.

INT. HEROES’ HOME. LATE MORNING.

Exelda drinks straight from the wine bottle. She sees Ditzia set up a prayer shrine in one part of the room and another one down the wall. She prays to one and shimmies over to the other to pray. She keeps making this shift.

EXELDA:
What are you doing?

DITZIA:
I’m praying to Athena for wisdom and
Aphrodite for love.

EXELDA:
Not a good idea. They don’t get along.

DITZIA:
Why not?

GEEKIUS;
It’s true. Wisdom involves logic and
love abandons it. That’s why people
who fall in love act like idiots.

DITZIA:
So, I have to choose?

EXELDA:
Generally, people pick one patron.

GEEKIUS:
Pick Athena! That’s as close as I’ll
get to loving a girl!

DITZIA:
But I need help with my feelings
for…why don’t you pray at this
shrine, Geekius, and I’ll pick
Aphrodite.

GEEKIUS:
Sounds fair.

Before they start to pray, Hypnos peeks his head down from the loft.

HYPNOS:
Will you keep it down? Someone’s
trying to sleep up here!

GEEKIUS:
Since when do you need quiet
to sleep?

HYPNOS:
No, it’s not for me! Narcius is trying
to get his “beauty sleep.”

EXELDA:
So, what are you doing up there then?
Do you think he’s beautiful when he
sleeps?

HYPNOS:
How dare you! I’m just too comfortable
to get up.

The three downstairs all laugh at him. There is a knock on the door.

GEEKIUS:
Ditzia, you’re closer to the door.

Ditzia just lays there.

DITZIA:
I can’t.

EXELDA:
We’ve been through this before. All
you gotta do to open the door is
turn the knob.

DITZIA:
No, I mean I literally can’t. I can’t
move for another half hour.

HYPNOS (OS):
Same here!

DITIZIA:
Every time I laugh, I can’t move
for half an hour.

Exelda gets up to answer the door. It is Philoles.

GEEKIUS:
You don’t make any sense!

PHILOLES:
Pardon?

DITZIA:
I think he’s talking to me.

PHILOLES:
Okay then…So, how have you been doing?

EXELDA:
We started practicing yesterday, but I made
a joke about the dummy being better looking
than Narcius, and he got mad and destroyed
the dummy. We weren’t sure how else to
practice.

PHILOLES:
You can get another dummy. You don’t
want to have your only practice to be
out there with the real monsters.

GEEKIUS:
That’s so logical! Why didn’t I think
of that?

PHILOLES:
At least you’re praying to Athena for
help in your next battle.

GEEKIUS:
Actually, I was praying for less idiots
in the world.

PHILOLES:
I see…and there’s a shrine for Aphrodite.
(to Exelda)
Who are you worshiping this morning?

EXELDA:
I’m praying to the wine god, Bachus.

She holds up the bottle and takes a drink.

PHILOLES:
Do you always drink so early in the
day?

EXELDA:
Well, I’ve been out of work for a long
time, so I figured why wait if I don’t
got anywhere to go?

PHILOLES:
You could be called into duty at
any moment. I don’t like the idea
of our fighters being drunk when
facing a monster.

EXELDA:
I’m not drunk. Really, I’m level-headed.

Philoles takes the bottle from Exelda.

PHILOLES:
As prince, I order you to quit drinking.
Don’t give me any grief-it’s for your own
good. I don’t want any of my employees
to have a drinking problem.

HYPNOS:
(peeks head over)
Employees? Are we going to start
getting paid for our service?

PHILOLES:
Well, of course. I’ll go see my father
about this right now.

Philoles sees Exelda looking a little angry but also kind of anxious. He puts a hand on her shoulder.

PHILOLES:
You’re going to be fine, trust me.

Exelda looks at him as he speaks but looks away from his gaze after he is done.

PHILOLES:
Okay then. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank
you again for your services!

Hypnos is now downstairs.

HYPNOS:
And thanks for the gold!

Philoles laughs. He takes a last look at Exelda, feels a little sad, and leaves.

EXELDA:
Who does he think he is, making me
quit drinking!

DITZIA:
He thinks he’s a prince. You’re going
to listen to him, aren’t you?

EXELDA:
Of course, like I have a choice!
(pouts)
Well, I suppose we should practice.
Where’s Narcius? Still sleeping?
Can someone make sure he’s still
alive?

Hypnos throws a rock to the loft. It hits Narcius, who screams like a girl.

EXT. COURT YARD. MORNING.

Philoles is walking on a road outside Chaos. He passes a meadow to clump of trees nearby. He hears a noise from the trees and looks in to see Darius is putting something ferocious in a cage.

PHILOLES:
What are you doing?

Darius is startled, but he quickly recovers.

DARIUS:
Come here, I’ll show you.

Philoles steps off the path, and Darius grins wickedly.

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