The Unsuper Heroes, Part 7

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.

Darius walks in to see Mercinon in the downward facing dog position.

DARIUS:
Sire?

MERCINON:
I’ve taken up yoga. It’s an Eastern
method of relaxation. I’m tired of
losing my strongest monsters.

DARIUS:
Well, I’ve got a piece of good news.

MERCINON:
Just a piece, eh? Not a whole good
news segment?

Darius brings in Philoles, who is tied and gagged. Philoles glares at Mercinon.

MERCINON:
What did you do?

DARIUS:
I kidnapped the prince.

MERCINON:
I can see that, but why?

DARIUS:
He caught me capturing a monster.

MERCINON:
You know, in some cases, killing a
witness makes sense. But you could’ve
easily been an innocent villager trying
to get rid of a monster! And you don’t
intend on killing him? We don’t play
with politics-we just destroy people!

DARIUS:
But wouldn’t being king be…oh, never
mind. I thought we could hold him
ransom and get some gold before we
destroy the land.

MERCINON:
Oh, good idea. Hold him wherever you keep
the monsters and send an anonymous
letter to the king. And in the morning,
send out the next monster. I hope the
next one isn’t so easy to destroy.

DARIUS:
Oh, don’t worry. This one no man
stands a chance against!

Philoles tries to say something but is muffled.

MERCINON:
Don’t insult my mother! She could
be here anytime!

DARIUS:
Yes, she’s dead. Don’t worry about it.
Or do worry about it, I don’t care.

Darius drags Philoles out of the room. Mercinon resumes his yoga.

INT. HEROES’ HOME. MORNING.

Exelda is laying down on a ratty couch, exasperated. Narcius is trying to sword fight with an invisible Geekius. At first, Narcius is totally overwhelmed, but Geekius trips over his feet, so Narcius stands on his back. Ditzia applauds.

NARCIUS:
Ah, now you can see my ancestral
noble blood at work. I don’t even
to see my opponent to beat them.

HYPNOS:
Yeah, great. Next time we face a
monster, we’ll just blindfold you.

He puts a little fire on Geekius to make him visible. Ditzia puts it out.

NARCIUS:
Is that jealousy I hear?

EXELDA:
No, it’s reality, which totally sucks!

HYPNOS:
Is it that hard to be sober?

EXELDA:
It’s like you giving up sitting.

HYPNOS:
Ouch.

NARCIUS:
You know, Exelda, I’ve been
wondering something about
yesterday.

GEEKIUS:
You could get off of me at any
time, you know?

NARCIUS:
(steps off Geekius)
If you have super strength, why
couldn’t you take Ditzia off of you?

EXELDA:
She was cutting off the circulation
in my arms!

HYPNOS:
Maybe she wanted her to stay on!

EXELDA:
Yeah, that makes sense, why did I
make you taker her off me?

GEEKIUS:
Do you even like men?

EXELDA:
Of course! Not all men are the same.
Just most of them. And they admit
it too.

The men shrug and agree with that.

NARCIUS:
You like some men, but can you
picture yourself getting married
to one?

EXELDA:
No. I wouldn’t mind getting married,
but I can’t imagine a guy wanting to
marry as equal partners.

DITZIA:
Philoles wants to treat you like an
equal, but you’re too afraid to
admit you’ve got feelings for him.

EXELDA:
I don’t have feelings for him!

DITZIA:
I can tell. You have the same look
in your eyes as I do when I think
about…shopping.

EXELDA:
Whatever. Let’s stop talking about
my non-existent love life and get
back to practice.

Before anyone can respond, there is a knock at the door.

GEEKIUS:
Excellent! That must be Philoles. Now
we can see if his promise of payment
will come into fruition.

Geekius opens the door, and it turns out to be Cyrek and Orcus. They appear to be distressed.

EXELDA:
What’s going on?

CYREK:
Do you have any idea where
Philoles could be?

HYPNOS:
We haven’t seen him since yesterday
when he said he would see his father
about paying us. So, are we getting a
lump sum or equal installments?

CYREK:
What? I haven’t heard about anything
of the sort. It seems that you were the
last people to have seen him. Prince
Philoles has been kidnapped.

The heroes react with shock.

EXELDA:
How do you know he was kidnapped?
Are you sure he isn’t hurt or lost?

ORCUS:
There was a ransom note from someone
anonymous demanding we deliver the
prince’s worth of gold under some tree
by sunset in three days.

NARCIUS:
So, are you going to pay the money?

CYREK:
Eventually. We want to find him first.
If we pay this creep, it’ll be a major
toll to our economy.

DITZIA:
We can help you find him. We’re not
doing much.

HYPNOS:
I’m never doing much.

ORCUS:
I thought you were supposed to
be training.

EXELDA:
While we’re out, we’ll do some
research about monsters. It’ll
be easier to train if we know what
we’re up against.

CYREK:
Okay. If you find him, make sure
you keep him safe. And bring us
the villain dead or alive.

Cyrek and Orcus leave.

NARCIUS:
(to Exelda)
You don’t want to do research.
You want to find your boyfriend.

EXELDA:
He’s not my boyfriend! The kingdom
is in trouble! And I don’t think it’s
a coincidence that his kidnapping
occurred in the middle of these
monster attacks. I think if we find
this bad guy, we’ll save the kingdom.
Our honor will be restored and we
can have better lives!

GEEKIUS:
Well, I’m in favor of research, of course.
It’ll be a better use of our time than
the pitiful practice we’ve been doing.

HYPNOS:
Come on! The sooner we find Philoles,
the sooner we get paid!
(beat)
And we’d save the kingdom and all that.

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