Turning 30, Chapter 15

Will, Feliz, and Tadd were hanging out in Wills room. It was fairly small and cramped, but he he kept it clean and made a visible effort to keep it warm and welcoming. He had a futon, which he had in the couch position for guests, and a television set across from the couch. The couch faced the window, which showed it pouring rain. By the closet, he had a small dresser, which was overfilled, and a miniature refrigerator by the door. There was not very many decorations save for some Mets and Giants memorabilia. Feliz sat on one side of the couch while Tadd moped on the side closest to the door. Will was next to the refrigerator, squatting as if he was about to get some beer, but Feliz and he had their eyes glued to something exciting happening on the television. When the play was over, which did not go in their favor, Will remembered why he was by the fridge. “Beer anyone?”

Feliz accepted his offer, “I’ll take one.”

Will handed him a bottle and took one for himself. He sat between Tadd and Feliz. Will looked at Feliz and made a joke, “Beer and football…if I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re totally straight!”

Feliz laughed, “I’m gay, not a chick!” Will laughed at that. Feliz said seriously, “I’m good at disguising it. I had to hide it from my family my whole life. I even fooled myself!”

“Hey, I was joking! I’m not ignorant. Just like any other stereotype, being gay doesn’t mean you automatically act a certain way. But your asshole friends will always use it as a cheap joke.” Will grinned as he took a sip of his beer. “But seriously, your wife is smokin’ hot! Her body is just bangin’! You don’t want any piece of that?”

Feliz sipped his beer and thought about it. “I love her DKNY boot-cut jeans! I won’t lie, I’ve thought of stealing them from her!”

Will smiled. “See, it’s shit like that. You would say and do stuff like that all the time. That’s how we knew you were gay. How could your family not know? Like, seriously, they have no clue?”

Feliz shrugged. “Some people can’t face reality. They will go great lengths to ignore the truth.”

Tadd sniffled a little. Will, while eyeing Tadd, commented, “Tell me about it!” Tadd turned to them and appeared as if he wanted to say something sad or pathetic. Will pointed a finger at him and scolded him, “Don’t you throw a tantrum again! You’re stronger than that! C’mon!”

Tadd shifted uncomfortably. “No, I wasn’t going to…Could I have a beer?”

“Of course!” Will sounded relieved at his reply. He got up and got Tadd a bottle of beer. Tadd opened it but did not seem to want it much. Or, at least, he could not summon the strength to lift his bottle and have fun. Feliz and Will suddenly sat up and glued their eyes to the screen again. They started rooting on their team and then yelled in disappointment. Will remarked, “Man, this is breaking my heart!”

Feliz responded, “The Giants are down, but they’ll bounce back.”

“No!” Will reacted. “I mean Tadd. Man, Tadd, you used to be the guy! Like, if you wanted a party started, you were the guy to call. What the hell did this girl to do you-give you a lobotomy?”

Tadd defended himself, “You don’t understand! You’ve never been in love!”

Will and Feliz wanted to argue, but they thought about it and silently agreed that he had a point. The Giants got a first down, and Feliz and Will reacted happily. Feliz mused, “I thought I was in love. Davida, I love her as a person, but I was lying to myself about how I felt. Do you think I’ll find Mister Right now that I’m getting older?”

Will drank some beer before answering. “You have your own place and you have a good job, I don’t think your age will make a difference. Plus, I wouldn’t worry about a serious relationship so soon after your marriage. Play the field a little, have some fun! Marriage is overrated anyway!”

“Is that why you’ve never been married?” Feliz asked.

Before he could answer, Will’s bedroom door opened, and Miss Constantine walked in. She had wiry red hair and huge, old-fashioned glasses. Her clothes were at least two decades out of fashion, and she seemed to have a little trouble walking due to arthritis and a stout body. She reprimanded Will, “You forgot to feed my cats!”

Will refuted the claim, “No! No! I made sure to feed them before my buddies came over.”

She corrected him, “You didn’t feed the garage cats. They’re hungry!”

Will argued, “I walked by their bowls and saw food!”

“That’s old food! It’s been sitting out all day and it’s dried up.”

“Well, obviously they can’t be that hungry.”

“Would you eat food that’s old and crusty?”

“No, but I also wouldn’t eat food out of the garbage like I saw Furby do this morning.”

“Can you feed them now since you’re just sitting here?”

“Just sitting here? I’m watching…” Will changed his mind about arguing. “Yes, Miss Constantine.”

“Thank you.” Miss Constantine left the room.

Will turned to Feliz. “That’s why I’ve never been married!” He left the room in a huff.

When Feliz and Tadd were alone, it felt somewhat awkward. Feliz turned his attention to the game and started shouting at the the television. Tadd mumbled, “Excuse me.” Feliz did not hear him because of what was happening in the game, and Tadd didn’t seem to care. He slipped out of the room.

After a minute or so, Will returned. “Oh sure, I leave the room for one minute and I miss a good play!” He sat back down on the couch. “The garage cats are indoor/outdoor cats, so if they were really hungry, they’d go catch their own food, right?”

Feliz sniffed the air and made a disgusted face. “You smell like fish.”

Will grumbled, “Yeah, that’s one of the reasons I can’t get laid. Forget the smell of cat food, the house has seven litter boxes! Seven! Girls take one whiff and bolt!”

“Can’t you just do it at the girl’s place? Or a hotel?” Feliz suggested.

Will explained, “You can’t keep avoiding taking her to your place. Women figure out pretty quick if you’re hiding something from them. I don’t blame ’em; if a girl wouldn’t take me to her place, I’d assume the worst. Once in a while, I can find a girl who’ll overlook past all this crap in the house, but then we run into another obstacle…Once, I brought home this hot chick who loved cats, so you think it would be a sure thing! Don’t get me wrong, at first it was. We were going at it like crazy…and then Miss Constantine bursts in…” Will imitates Miss Constantine’s voice, “Will? Are you okay? I heard a lot of heavy breathing and thought you were having an asthma attack!” That made Feliz laugh. Will concluded, “No, I’m like almost thirty and I still live like this! What girl’s gonna sleep with me now?”:

Feliz joked, “You could marry a sugar mama!”

“Yeah really!” Will took a swig from his beer and watched the game. He set his beer down next to another one, and that’s when he noticed something. “Where’s Tadd?”

It just clicked for Feliz too. He eyeballed the room and was surprised to see he had not returned. “He said excuse me and left the room. I figured he was going to the bathroom.”

They had a small moment of panic. Before they could decide what to do, they heard a small noise outside. They sprint to the window and peered outside. They saw Tadd outside crying melodramatically in the rain. Will and Feliz shook their heads. Feliz remarked, “When I break up with Davida, I hope she is not like this!”

Will joked, “She won’t. She’ll be a very pleased woman ’cause I’ll do her all night!” Feliz glared at him. “What? You don’t like girls! Is she off limits still?”

Feliz fired back, “She would never do it in this house!” Will’s glee instantly turned into a mild depression. Feliz apologized, “Okay, we’re even. Awkward bro hug?”

“Yeah!” Will grinned. They gave each other a manly hug. They remembered Tadd was out there still, and Will directed, “Come on, let’s bring Tadd in before he drowns.”



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