Turning 30, Chapter 17

Ashlynn sat at a table in a small bar. It was dimly lit but still fairly classy. The table tops were granite, and the chairs were metal and tall. The walls were decorated with grape vines, fairy lights, and empty, vintage wine bottles. A couple of men sat by the bar, and a few people were sprinkled around the tables, but the bar was pretty empty. Ashlynn still felt shocked from what she learned about her parents’ history. Despite their seedy past, they both still made something out of their life. They accomplished so much in their twenties. Ashlynn looked at a baby picture that she had saved on her phone. Her mother dressed so conservatively, and her dad had on his work clothes. They looked so normal! There was a date on the corner of the photo, and Ashlynn figured out that her mother was twenty-seven and her dad was almost thirty. That took her a moment to process-she was now the age her dad was when she was born! It felt so weird because none of that lifestyle felt possible for her yet. She wondered when she would feel like a real adult.

Ashlynn’s eyes wandered to an old man that entered the bar. He wore a khaki raincoat with a matching fedora. He put his coat on a rack by the door, but there was no room for his hat, so he carried it to the bar. He sat at a stool at the corner of the bar. The bartender went up to him and inquired, “The usual, Herb?”

“Myrtle’s favorite, thirty years and counting.” The bartender handed him a glass of wine, which he had already ready under the bar counter. “Oh Myrtle!” He started crying on the bar. Ashlynn’s heart sank. Not only did she feel sorry for the old man, but it made her think of Tadd. Herb lost Myrtle right when they were born, and he still had not gotten over it. Tadd’s progress had been going so slow. Could this be his future? No, she was determined not to let that happen.

This thought distracted her so much that she did not see a man approach her table. He appeared to be in his forties, but he didn’t have a wedding ring. He wore suit pants with an oxford shirt, whose sleeves were rolled up and the top button popped open. He smelt strongly of whiskey, and he had a lopsided grin. Ashlynn cringed. He greeted her with, “How you doin’, doll?” Ashlynn did not answer. “Mind if I join you?”

“Please don’t,” she pleaded.

He sat down next to her anyways. “I love this bar! So quiet and classy. It’s great for people our age!”

Our age?” This association caught Ashlynn off guard.

“Yeah,” he replied. “You’re what? Thirty five?”

Ashlynn told him, “I’m almost thirty.”

He laughed, “You’re just a baby!”

“Baby? A moment ago you thought we were the same age!”

“You’re only twelve years younger me. Twelve years isn’t much, but it feels different, you know?” He winked at her, and Ashlynn felt grossed out. He asked her, “So, what do you do?”

Ashlynn almost answered with her old job title out of habit, but she remembered she didn’t do that anymore. So much had changed in the last three weeks! She tried to think of the sophisticated answer to unemployment, but she could not think of the proper euphemism. She sat for a second, trying to come up with something. Just then, Feliz came up to the table. “Hey buddy, take a hike!” The man looked like a deer in the headlights and shuffled away. Feliz took his spot and smiled Ashlynn. “Rough day?”

“You must be psychic,” she said sardonically.

“So, you’re mom was a…?”

“Yes.”

“And your dad has a big-?”

“Yes!”

“Basically, you had a conversation about your life choices, and it turned into a chat about your parents’ genitals?”

“Yes.”

Ashlynn put her head on the table out of embarrassment. Cera came up at this moment. “You’re so lucky, Ashlynn!” Ashlynn held her head up and gave her a look of the deepest confusion. “My parents’ story is so boring. They met at Catholic school, got married at eighteen, and only have sex for procreation. You can learn so much from your mom! And she’s a teacher now!”

“Oh my god!” She buried her head in her hands again.

Feliz observed, “Cera, I don’t think you are grasping how awkward this is for her. She’s done things, so she can picture her parents’…Well, you don’t have any concept of the subject. Have you ever seen a penis?”

Cera blushed at the word penis, but then she thought of something. “Wait, you just figured out you’re gay! How many penises could you possibly have seen?”

Ashlynn picked her head up at that question. The girls looked at him curiously. Feliz confessed, “Well, nothing in person, besides my own. But I put this ad on Craigslist…”

“Noooo!” Ashlynn grinned.

Cera frowned. “But you’re not divorced or even separated yet! You won’t cheat on your wife, will you?”

“No!” Feliz explained, “I put an ad in the strictly platonic section. I just wanted to find a friend who was in my position, people I could relate to, like group therapy. I don’t think men know what platonic means. Half my responses were dick pix!”

“Wait, gay guys have that problem too?” Ashlynn reacted.

“Ashlynn, they’re gay, but they’re also men,” Feliz told her. Ashlynn nodded like he had a point.

“Maybe I should put an ad out like that…” Cera mused.

Ashlynn commented, “You don’t need to put up an ad to see penises on the internet.”

“That’s not what I had in mind,” Cera said. “It doesn’t seem like it would be hard for Feliz to find a guy to hook up, and an ad worked well for your mom..”

“Don’t remind me!” Ashlynn shuddered.

Cera concluded, “If I wanna lose my virginity quickly, maybe I should put up an ad!”

Feliz advised her, “Honey, you don’t wanna meet strangers off the internet; it could be dangerous if you aren’t careful, and you’re way too inexperienced to stay out of trouble. For you, find a guy in person so you can really read them. And don’t you tell me that it sounds too hard. You’re attractive enough where you don’t gotta work for it!”

Ashlynn agreed, “We don’t gotta try at all. Men are easier to turn on than computers! You don’t gotta push a button to turn them on, they’re already turned on!”

“But how do you know when they’re in the mood?” Cera looked confused.

Feliz revealed to her, “Because they’re a man. Men are horny and ready to go one hundred percent of the time!”

Cera asked, “But you’re a guy…Does that mean you’re horny all the time?”

“Hell yeah!” he answered enthusiastically. Cera seemed a little surprised and awkward.

Ashlynn advised her, “If you want a man right here, right now, find someone right here, right now! All you have to do is find a guy you like, stand next to them, and say the two magic words-I’m drunk!”

Feliz disagreed, “You don’t need to be that clever. Be straightforward. Just say  ‘Let’s have sex.’ If he’s straight, he’ll go for it.”

Cera got nervous. “I don’t know if I could be that bold!”

“You can do it!” Ashlynn encouraged her. “Trust us, you don’t gotta work hard for it if you want some strange.”

Feliz nodded. They saw a cute guy sitting a few seats away from Herb, and Cera steels herself up to go for it. Before she left the table, Feliz grabbed her arm. “Wait, you look like a total nun. Show off a little skin, it adds cream to coffee!” He loosened a couple of buttons on her blouse and hiked up her skirt a little. He pat her shoulders encouragingly.

Cera stiffly walked over to the man and sat next to him. He raised an eyebrow since she emitted a lot of anxious energy. She quietly mumbled, “Do you wanna have sex?”

The man genuinely couldn’t hear her. “I’m sorry?”

A little louder but still very shaky, Cera sputtered, “Sex! Sex! You want…?”

The man thought he was catching on to her message but still seemed a little confused. “What?”

In life, once in a while, there’s a weird moment when the whole room gets quiet at the same time for no real reason. All at once, the song changed and therefore, the music stopped for a moment. Everyone’s conversation came to a standstill. Cera, who did not realize any of this shouted, “You wanna have sex with me?” The whole room stared at her. Cera turned completely red and ran out of the bar.

Ashlynn and Feliz gathered their things to make a quick getaway. Feliz opinionated, “We just drove her straight into the arms of a therapist!”

Ashlynn said seriously, “That gives me a brilliant idea!”

“You got any stroke of brilliance out of all this?”

“Tadd will be thirty soon, and I’ll be damned if he spends his sixieth birthday in this state. If we ant him to make progress, he needs therapy!”

Feliz agreed. They were about to leave the bar when Feliz stopped them. “Wait, we didn’t pay for our drinks.”

Ashlynn admitted, “I have a tab.” Feliz looked quelled, and they ran after Cera.

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