The Clearfront Balcony Club, Scene 8

Scene 8: Jessica, Drew, Brisa, Owen, and Juniper are all outside. Juniper passes a white gown over to Drew, who passes it to Jessica, who passes it down to Brisa and Owen. Brisa looks at it fondly.

BRISA: Oh my gosh! It’s so pretty! I think I’m gonna cry!

JESSICA: It looks gorgeous!

DREW: I can’t believe it used to be a tablecloth!

OWEN: How much do we owe you?

JUNIPER: Oh, I could not ask for money for a favor! You did me a service by keeping me occupied for a couple days, so I think it would generate bad karma if I asked for a payment!

OWEN: We couldn’t ask you to do all this work for free!

BRISA: We wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t pay you! There must be something you could use the money on! Like… crystals? Do you like crystals?

JUNIPER: (considers her offer) I could use more crystals…

Carla comes out very slowly with one hand on her stomach and one behind her back.

JESSICA: Are you okay?

CARLA: Oh yeah, I’m fine! I just wanted to thank you guys for being so nice to me, so I wanted to contribute to the wedding too. I didn’t hear anything about a veil or how you’ll wear your hair, so I thought I could help with that.

BRISA: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that! What did you have in mind?

She takes the hand out from behind her back to reveal a beautiful tiara.

BRISA: (gasps) I love it!

 

CARLA: Well, you’re welcome to use it as your something borrowed. I would like it back when you’re done.

 

BRISA: No problem! Thank you so much!

 

Owen reaches up and takes it from Carla. He then hands it to Brisa, who admires it.

 

BRISA: It looks like the crown of a princess!

 

CARLA: It’s actually a queen’s crown. I was prom queen my senior year (sighs) Back in my glory days!

 

JESSICA: (to Drew) Oh, she was prom queen! I guess their lives don’t always turn out perfect, do they?

 

DREW: I said I was sorry! I was wrong, and I apologized. What is it gonna take for you to forgive me for that?

 

From inside his apartment, Theo laughs uproariously. He comes outside and addresses Drew.

 

THEO: Son, women may move on from your offenses, but they’ll never forgive you for it! They’ll remind you of how you messed up for the rest of your life! When Nedra and I were first dating, we saw a movie with Raquel Welch in it, and she looked gorgeous, so naturally, I couldn’t help but admire her. Nedra noticed and got really jealous. She asked me, “Is Raquel Welch gonna cook dinner for you after a hard day of work?”

 

JESSICA: What did you say?

 

Carla takes a really deep breath and rubs her belly.

 

THEO: I didn’t think I could make the situation worse, but I said, “I didn’t know Raquel Welch can cook!”

 

Jessica and Brisa groan, but then they laugh along with Drew and Owen.

 

THEO: Fifty years later, Nedra still-

 

Carla interrupts him when she lets out a large groan.

 

JESSICA: Something’s wrong!

 

CARLA: The baby’s coming!

 

Mendel pokes his head out of his apartment.

 

MENDEL: I’ll call an ambulance!

 

He goes back inside to make the call.

 

CARLA: No, it’s coming right now!

 

DREW: Right now? Are you sure?

 

Carla screams in pain.

 

JESSICA: Theo, go get your wife!

 

THEO: Oh! Oh, yes!

 

He goes inside for a moment and comes out with a book.

 

THEO: She’s indisposed and can’t come out at the moment. I have one of her old college books you could use.

 

He tries to pass it to Juniper, but he can’t raise his arms. Rob comes outside.

 

ROB: What’s going on?

 

Carla screams again.

 

ROB: Got it!

 

THEO: Take this!

 

Rob hastily grabs it and passes it to Owen.

 

CARLA: It’s coming! What do I do?

 

Owen quickly opens the book but then gets distracted by a picture.

 

OWEN: What is that?

 

DREW: Looks like this book predates women shaving their bikini zone!

 

OWEN: Good lord! Hey, it looks like the bodega cat!

 

Carla screams again.

 

BRISA: Owen!

 

OWEN: Oh, sorry! (reads) Lie down on your back with your legs spread apart.

 

Carla lies down with her head pointing towards her balcony and her legs pointing towards her apartment.

 

OWEN: Help your baby move through your vaginal canal by pushing with your contractions.

 

CARLA: Okay!

 

She pushes as she feels another one. Mendel comes outside.

 

MENDEL: The ambulance should be here now.

 

JESSICA: They just pulled up.

 

Carla groans as she pushes again. They hear a baby crying as the paramedics arrive. Nedra runs outside.

 

ROB: She did it!

 

Everyone cheers as the paramedics load her onto a gurney. They keep celebrating until she disappears.

 

NEDRA: Wow, she must have been in labor for a while without realizing it!

 

BRISA: Hey! Her daughter’s birthday will be the day before our wedding anniversary, Owen!

 

OWEN: Oh, that’s true!

 

Owen passes the book to Rob.

 

ROB: (looks at the book) Hey, that does look like Crumbs!

 

Everyone laughs as Drew offers a beer to everyone in celebration.Baby is Born

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