“Hey, babe! Can you dust the top of these shelves?” Phoebe requested from the kitchen
“No!” I responded to her as I lounged in the living room with my legs propped up on the footrest.
Phoebe balked at that notion, “No? What do you mean, no? This place has to get cleaned before everyone gets here, and I can’t do it all by myself!”
I implored her, “Not now!”
“Not now? Connor, we have the wedding planning committee set to arrive in twenty minutes- this can’t wait!”
“Oh, come on! It’s not like anyone’s gonna look up there!” I argued.
Phoebe shot back, “What if there’s another draft, and dust from there gets blown into the food again?”
I asserted, “I’d like to help you- I love helping you, but I can’t at the moment!”
“What? Why in the world not?” Phoebe made a beeline to the sofa I was sitting on, and when she saw Jett sound asleep on my lap, she put her hands on her hips and queried, “Really?”
“I feel bad- I haven’t been home as much lately, and look! She missed me!” I advocated for my argument as I gently scratched her back. “Plus, we’re gonna have a bunch of people over, and she’ll hide, so when else am I gonna get a chance to bond with her any time soon?”
Phoebe let out an exasperated exhale, and then she trudged back to the kitchen. I assumed she had given up on the premise of me doing that task, but then I heard the distinct sound of the cat’s favorite bag of treats getting shaken! Jett instantly jolted awake and used my thighs as a springboard to propel herself to those tasty morsels! I winced from the slight use of her claw for that action, and then I unwillingly got up. Phoebe smugly handed me the duster, and as I took it, I grumped, “What’s the hurry? It’s not like anyone’s coming that soon!” The doorbell rang, and I crossed my fingers and prayed, “Please be a solicitor! Please be a solicitor!”
I had barely made the entryway ajar when Miriam warned me, “Don’t get mad…!”
“Why would I get mad?” I wondered. “Oh no! Did that trip make you wanna drop out of the marriage ceremony stuff? Listen, I know it was a strange experience, and I’m sorry we told you about our Hellish experience and caused you to remember everything, but I swear, we’ll ensure you don’t get involved with the next one!”
“Oh, I don’t care about that!” Miriam brushed off the issue I raised.
Phoebe gazed at her in astonishment. “You don’t?”
Miriam insisted, “Psh! No! With all the weird shit I had to go through with Blaise, nothing phases me anymore! Do you wanna hear what he did with some tropical fish and a barrel during the full moon once? No, you don’t! Never mind that! No, I just don’t want you to flip out over… well…”
She stepped aside and revealed a woman that greatly resembled Phoebe except that she was a bit thinner and a couple years younger! “Hello!” She sheepishly waved.
“Mara! What are you doing here?” Phoebe confronted her.
“Hey! Didn’t I tell you not to get mad?” Miriam reminded her.
Phoebe folded her arms and stared at Mara impatiently. Mara stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, and then she challenged her, “Why did you send me a wedding invitation?”
After blinking in surprise, Phoebe affirmed, “I didn’t! His mom did!”
“I didn’t have her do that!” I differed with Phoebe. “I gave her a list of friends that weren’t invited to the engagement party ‘cause she said she could simply pull addresses from that list, and I definitely didn’t include…. Oh, right! Mara came to that thing!” I turned to Mara and inquired, “So, what’s the problem? You don’t wanna go?”
“Um, yeah! I wanna go! But, not as a regular guest!” Mara replied. “Why am I not in the wedding?”
I scoffed at that idea, “Are you kidding? Did you get amnesia?”
Phoebe got a tad offended by that. “Hey!”
“Sorry! It’s just an expression!” I apologized to her. I then shifted back to Mara, “You can’t be a bridesmaid if you’ve repeatedly tried to seduce the groom!”
“Aw! Can you blame me though?” Mara cooed.
I ardently articulated, “Yes!” I questioned Miriam, “Why did you think bringing her would be at all beneficial to anyone?” Miriam opened her mouth to react to that, but then…
My father stood in the mudroom and hollered to someone behind him, “This isn’t a good time! We should just go back to Philly!”
“Nice try! Whatever cockamame excuse you’re trying to give isn’t gonna work!” my mother retorted. “We’re doing this!”
“Damn! Instances like this makes me wish I hadn’t retired! Then, I could pretend to get called to work for an emergency!” my dad pouted.
My mom vociferated, “Chester! What’s going on over there? Do you need help?”
Uncle Chester relayed back to her, “Uh… maybe?”
“William, can you go help him with Mildred?” my mother posed to my father.
“Why would he need to help me? I’m not that senile yet!” Great Aunt Mildred huffed as her stout and very old body lumbered up the porch steps.
My dad yelled, “Chester! You volunteered for this venture! You can’t hide outside now!”
An older, balding man with a crown of gray, tousled hair approached the stoop and whispered to me, “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s someone in the bushes across the street watching you…!”
For several seconds, my pulse quickened- it would’ve been out of character for Damon to put himself in such an overt position, but he wasn’t that smart, so it was entirely possible for him to get a lapse in judgment and station himself here! Or, perhaps Miriam’s fear of her undead ex returning came true! Blaise or any other one of Damon’s allies could have shown up to wreak havoc in our life, so I had to go out to investigate and hopefully put a stop to whatever they were plotting! When I finally beheld the spot where the perpetrator lay, I was shocked but really shouldn’t have been. I let out an alleviated chuckle, “Oh, it’s only Roxy! She won’t do anything more heinous than stalk me for a while.”
I had grown so accustomed to this circumstance that I had forgotten how it would get perceived by the average populous! Uncle Chester’s eyebrows furrowed as he probed, “You’re fine with that? I mean, shouldn’t we call the police?”
“No, no! That won’t be necessary!” I tittered to convey the casualness in this situation, but based on Uncle Chester’s unceasing visage of confusion, I recognized that an actual explanation was needed. How was I supposed to explain the real scenario to him? I certainly couldn’t say that a kid obsessively tailing me was the least of my worries because a devious dunce kept getting me transported to realms full of dangerous monsters and I had to stop him before he tore apart the fabric of existence! I could not drum up a rationale with a shred of honesty, so I lied, “She has a crush on me.”
“Oh!” Uncle Chester guffawed at that revelation, and he became visibly more relaxed. “Aw, come here! I wanna hug from my favorite nephew!”
He jovially pulled me close to him, and I managed to swivel my head at the right juncture to avoid swallowing any of his billowy chest hair! He squeezed me tight, but I still felt obligated to verbalize, “I’m your only nephew!”
Once Uncle Chester had his fill, his attention swayed over to Phoebe. Prior to him making contact, Phoebe pretended she didn’t see that gesture and grabbed a casserole dish from my mom. “You can have a seat, Missus Fenmore. I’ll bring this to the kitchen!”
“Knock, knock!” a tall, slender man with his thin, dark-brown hair tied into a pony greeted us from behind the screen door. “I’m Raphael Cresento, your wedding planner! May I come in?”
“If I say no, will this all end?” I muttered to Phoebe. Phoebe playfully hit my shoulder in opposition of that proposal.
My mom beckoned him, “Raphael! Yes, please do!”
Raphael sashayed into our abode and surveyed the scene. He saw Phoebe, my parents, and me sitting at the dining room table and Miriam as well as Mara were sitting on the couch facing us, and he quizzed us, “Is everyone here now?”
“Sorry, we’re late!” Rowen apologized as he entered.
“You’re not late! Everyone else is early!” I somewhat bitterly assured him. It sort of annoyed me that everyone had to act so punctually- it would’ve been nice if I was able to get a few more minutes of alone time!
Rowen probably detected the note of resentment in my tone since he awkwardly went further inside. His youngest son trailed him and whined, “Papa! Why are we here? I wanna go home!”
In response to that griping, Rowne chided him, “Rezart, we’ve been over this! Mama took your brother to his cleansing, and you can’t be trusted alone after you stole the matches I use for my meditation candles!”
“I only started a little fire!’ Rezart grumbled as he plopped onto a seat in the living room.
“If you keep this negative energy up, you won’t get any fruit after dinner!” Rowen cautioned him. It astonished me to see that threat actually enforce his compliance- produce never would’ve sufficed for my dessert at that age!
Once that tift got settled, Raphael carried on as though nothing unusual had occurred. “Okay! Everyone is here! Parents…” My folks raised their hands. “Best Man?” Rowen also raised his hand. Raphael looked to Mara and guessed, “Maid of Honor?”
Miriam corrected him, “No, that’s me.”
“I’m the bride’s something blue!” Mara dramatically took a sorrowful stance, which prompted Phoebe and I to roll our eyes.
“Uh-huh…” Raphael didn’t seem to have a clue on how to respond to that, so he apparently decided to move on by glimpsing at Uncle Chester and Great Aunt Mildred and canvassing them, “And you are…?”
Great Aunt Mildred chirped, “Single and ready to mingle!”
Uncle Chester put his arms around her to prevent her from approaching him and advised her, “Oh, Aunt Mildred, there are so many reasons why you shouldn’t bark up that tree!” He then informed Raphael, “We’re potentially financing this shindig.”
“Ah, splendid!” Raphael took out his clipboard and readied himself to take notes. “Alright, let’s begin with the basics: where are you holding the ceremony?”
“They don’t know yet! Can you believe that? They want a June wedding, and they don’t have a venue picked out in May!” my mother ranted. My father gave her a reproachful stare, so she justified herself, “What? I want this to happen so she can hurry up and have my grandkids!”
Phoebe and I grew pale at that daunting prospect, and Raphael veered back to the original subject, “One step at a time! Don’t worry, darlings! I’m here to help with these decisions! Do you have a list of spots to choose from?” Phoebe and I exchanged harried expressions- we may have chosen a few locations if it weren’t for the very real possibility of having Damon interrupt the proceedings, but how were we supposed to disclose this to individuals who knew nothing of the supernatural headaches we constantly had to endure? Raphael didn’t seem bothered by our lack of contributions to this endeavor. “No biggie! Let’s discover this together! Now, where did you two lovebirds meet?”
I reported, “At the school we teach at.”
“Oh! Perfect! Why not do it there?” Raphael propositioned.
“No!” Phoebe and I emphatically uttered.
Uncle Chester critiqued our refusal, “What? Why not? It’d probably save loads of cash!”
Phoebe and I should have anticipated this eventuality and prepared a counterargument for it, but with all the interdimensional distractions we dealt with, we plumb forgot to mull it over! We sat in silence for a stretch, and the pressure to concoct a justification for our position grew and grew as each second lapsed by. One of us (most likely me!) would have eventually blurted out something dumb, but we were spared of this when…
“I have something to say!” Mara suddenly announced. She walked up to me and began to orate, “Connor, I have continuously wronged you, and-!”
“No!” I interrupted her. “Whenever you apologize, you wind up hitting on me! We’re not going this route again!”
Mara denied that allegation, “I wasn’t going to do that!” She abruptly became very silky and stroked my tie. “But now that you mention it… What are you doing tonight?”
Phoebe snatched my tie out of her grip and snapped, “Me!”
“Yay! Make those grandbabies!” my mom cheered. My dad hid his face out of embarrassment, and Raphael appeared lost on how to regain control of the room. I didn’t picture it getting any more chaotic than that, but then there was a knock on the back window…
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