The Unsuper Heroes, Part 8

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 3. AFTERNOON.

They are right before a neighboring village when they all get stuck in mud. They have to remove their sandals to get out.

DITZIA:

Ew! Why did we go through the mud!

EXELDA:

I’m sure there’s a cobbler somewhere

in this area come on.

They find one not too far away from the town’s entrance and walk in.

INT. COBBLER’S HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

NIKE (an old man with a wild beard and misty eyes) comes out from the back room to greet them.

NIKE:

Welcome to my shop! I’m Nike.

GEEKIUS:

Like the goddess?

NIKE:

Yes. My mother thought I’d be

a girl. But I thought it’d be fitting

to become a cobbler.

HYPNOS:

Nike and shoes…Nah, I don’t see

that catching on.

NIKE:

What can I do for you?

EXELDA:

Well, as you can probably see from

our feet we are in need of new shoes.

NIKE:

Ah, so you want to adopt one of my

babies?

DITZIA:

Your what?

NIKE:

(to Ditzia)

Try him on.

Ditzia looks a little uncomfortable as he puts on the shoes.

NIKE:

There. He fits you nicely.

(to the shoes)

You’re going to find a good

home today, my dear.

HYPNOS:

(whispers to heroes)

That is so creepy.

NIKE:

(to Exelda)

They are for you.

(to Narcius)

And for you.

(to Hypnos)

And you two are a perfect

match!

(to Geekius)

I’ve got a special pair for you.

It’s in the back. Please excuse me.

Nike goes to a store room. Some beautiful and seductive singing is heard. Exelda continues to stare at the room where Nike is. Geekius is too busy thinking to notice. Ditzia stares at feet, still creeped out. Narcius and Hypnos are drawn to the music. In a trance, they leave the shop.

DITZIA:

At least they’re comfortable, right?

She looks up to where Narcius and Hypnos were standing and notices the two missing.

DITZIA:

Where did they go?

EXELDA:

(looks outside)

They’re in trouble! Let’s go!

Ditzia and Exelda leave.

GEEKIUS:

Wait, where’d everyone go? Don’t

 leave me alone with…

Nike comes out.

GEEKIUS:

Oh, hi.

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 3. AFTERNOON.

Hypnos and Narcius walk in a trance towards the SIRENS (three beautiful women wearing sexy clothes and make up). Exelda grabs the boys’ togas.

EXELDA:

Wait! These are the dangerous

women who make men crash

their ships!

NARCIUS:

We’re not on a ship!

They cannot break free of her grip, so they drag Exelda along. Ditzia stands in front of the doorway where the Sirens are standing.

DITZIA:

Stop looking at them!

It is enough to break them of their trance and they look away. The Sirens tickle Ditzia, and she falls down. They follow the boys singing and trying even harder to seduce them. The boys hid behind Exelda. Geekius comes out with his fingers in his ears. He too hides.

GEEKIUS:

I’ve got an idea! Someone hit

my head!

Exelda his him. He gets knocked out.

HYPNOS:

Too hard, man. I mean woman.

Narcius picks up a rock and throws it at the Sirens’ direction. It hits one in the eye, and their attitude changes. The boys feel safe looking at them as they examine on of the Siren’s eye. Seeing how she might have a bruise, the girls start growling.

NARCIUS:

I’m starting to regret my idea…

The Sirens change into snarling beasts (who look like a cat except they are purple and have a hideous face). Exelda picks up a huge rock and throws it at them. One gets knocked out. One takes a swipe at them, and the three who can still move scatter. They keep throwing rocks at them since its seems to be working. The beasts want to fight each of them, but they get confused with stones flying everywhere. Exelda runs out of stones and throws Ditzia at them. One beast is pinned down. Hypnos distracts the last one with his fire. The beast runs and trips over an invisible Geekius. Narcius quickly pins it down while Exelda uses the big rock to kill it. Hypnos kills the knocked out one. Narcius picks up Ditzia while Exelda kills the last one. The town rejoices. Geekius wakes up and they start to leave.

NIKE:

Hey! You forgot to pay me!

HYPNOS:

Send the bill to Philoles. He

owes us money!

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. EVENING.

Mercinon is rather flamboyantly practicing sword fighting. Darius walks in and almost gets slashed.

MERCINON:

Woah! You almost killed me!

MERCINON:

You really gotta start knocking.

What do you want anyways? Are

you here to tell me how you

screwed you screwed up this time?

DARIUS:

We brought down the blonde girl,

and I was so sure the rest of them

liked women.

MERCINON:

Idiot.

Mercinon’s swordplay gets stronger.

MERCINON:

What’s your next move?

DARIUS:

Well, I found Echinda…

MERCINON:

The mother of all monsters! That’s

brilliant! Our regime can continue

indefinitely!

DARIUS:

But…

MERCINON:

I should’ve known there was a but.

Mercinon slashes more.

DARIUS:

Hades came and took her for a pet.

MERCINON:

So, who are you sending out instead?

DARIUS:

I spent all day getting Echinda. Now

it’s too late.

MERCINON:

You think you deserve sleep after this?

Mercinon moves so fast that he falls down to the ground.

MERCINON:

Jackals…

DARIUS:

Are you okay?

MERCINON:

Jackals…

DARIUS:

Okay, I’m gone!

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 7

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.

Darius walks in to see Mercinon in the downward facing dog position.

DARIUS:
Sire?

MERCINON:

I’ve taken up yoga. It’s an Eastern

method of relaxation. I’m tired of

losing my strongest monsters.

DARIUS:

Well, I’ve got a piece of good news.

MERCINON:

Just a piece, eh? Not a whole good

news segment?

Darius brings in Philoles, who is tied and gagged. Philoles glares at Mercinon.

MERCINON:

What did you do?

DARIUS:

I kidnapped the prince.

MERCINON:

I can see that, but why?

DARIUS:

He caught me capturing a monster.

MERCINON:

You know, in some cases, killing a 

witness makes sense. But you could’ve

easily been an innocent villager trying

to get rid of a monster! And you don’t

intend on killing him? We don’t play 

with politics-we just destroy people!

DARIUS:

But wouldn’t being king be…oh, never

mind. I thought we could hold him

ransom and get some gold before we

destroy the land.

MERCINON:

Oh, good idea. Hold himherever you keep

the monsters and send an anonymous

letter to the king. And in the morning,

send out the next monster. I hope the 

next one isn’t so easy to destroy.

DARIUS:
Oh, don’t worry. This one no man

stands a chance against!

Philoles tries to say something but is muffled.

MERCINON:

Don’t insult my mother! She could

be here anytime!

DARIUS:

Yes, she’s dead. Don’t worry about it.

Or do worry about it, I don’t care.

Darius drags Philoles out of the room. Mercinon resumes his yoga.

 
INT. HEROES’ HOME. MORNING.

Exelda is laying down on a ratty couch, exasperated. Narcius is trying to sword fight with an invisible Geekius. At first, Narcius is totally overwhelmed, but Geekius trips over his feet, so Narcius stands on his back. Ditzia applauds.

NARCIUS:

Ah, now you can see my ancestral

noble blood at work. I don’t even

to see my opponent to beat them.

HYPNOS:

Yeah, great. Next time we face a

monster, we’ll just blindfold you.

He puts a little fire on Geekius to make him visible. Ditzia puts it out.

NARCIUS:

Is that jealousy I hear?

EXELDA:

No, it’s reality, which totally sucks!

HYPNOS:

Is it that hard to be sober?

EXELDA:

It’s like you giving up sitting.

HYPNOS:

Ouch.

NARCIUS:

You know, Exelda, I’ve been

wondering something about 

yesterday.

GEEKIUS:

You could get off of me at any

time, you know?

NARCIUS:

(steps off Geekius)

If you have super strength, why

couldn’t you take Ditzia off of you?

EXELDA:

She was cutting off the circulation

in my arms!

HYPNOS:

Maybe she wanted her to stay on!

EXELDA:

Yeah, that makes sense, why did I

make you taker her off me?

GEEKIUS:

Do you even like men?

EXELDA:

Of course! Not all men are the same.

Just most of them. And they admit

it too.

The men shrug and agree with that.

NARCIUS:

You like some men, but can you

picture yourself getting married

to one?

EXELDA:

No. I wouldn’t mind getting married,

but I can’t imagine a guy wanting to

marry as equal partners.

DITZIA:

Philoles wants to treat you like an

equal, but you’re too afraid to

admit you’ve got feelings for him.

EXELDA:

I don’t have feelings for him!

DITZIA:

I can tell. You have the same look

in your eyes as I do when I think

about…shopping.

EXELDA:

Whatever. Let’s stop talking about

my non-existent love life and get

back to practice.

Before anyone can respond, there is a knock at the door.

GEEKIUS:

Excellent! That must be Philoles. Now

we can see if his promise of payment

will come into fruition.

Geekius opens the door, and it turns out to be Cyrek and Orcus. They appear to be distressed.

EXELDA:

What’s going on?

CYREK:

Do you have any idea where

Philoles could be?

HYPNOS:

We haven’t seen him since yesterday

when he said he would see his father

about paying us. So, are we getting a

lump sum or equal installments?

CYREK:

What? I haven’t heard about anything

of the sort. It seems that you were the

last people to have seen him. Prince

Philoles has been kidnapped.

The heroes react with shock.

EXELDA:

How do you know he was kidnapped?

Are you sure he isn’t hurt or lost?

ORCUS:

There was a ransom note from someone

anonymous demanding we deliver the

prince’s worth of gold under some tree

by sunset in three days.

NARCIUS:

So, are you going to pay the money?

CYREK:

Eventually. We want to find him first.

If we pay this creep, it’ll be a major

toll to our economy.

DITZIA:

We can help you find him. We’re not

doing much.

HYPNOS:

I’m never doing much.

ORCUS:

I thought you were supposed to

be training.

EXELDA:

While we’re out, we’ll do some

research about monsters. It’ll

be easier to train if we know what

we’re up against. 

CYREK:

Okay. If you find him, make sure

you keep him safe. And bring us

the villain dead or alive.

Cyrek and Orcus leave.

NARCIUS:

(to Exelda)

You don’t want to do research. 

You want to find your boyfriend.

EXELDA:

He’s not my boyfriend! The kingdom

is in trouble! And I don’t think it’s

a coincidence that his kidnapping

occurred in the middle of these

monster attacks. I think if we find

this bad guy, we’ll save the kingdom.

Our honor will be restored and we

can have better lives!

GEEKIUS:

Well, I’m in favor of research, of course.

It’ll be a better use of our time than

the pitiful practice we’ve been doing.

HYPNOS:

Come on! The sooner we find Philoles,

the sooner we get paid!

(beat)

And we’d save the kingdom and all that.

 

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 6

INT. HEROES’ HOME. AFTERNOON.

Narcius is running around the room with his toga on fire. Exelda tries fruitlessly to get him to stop. Ditzia looks worried while Hypnos laughs at him. Narcius finally trips over an invisible Geekius, who turns visible coming into contact with fire. Exelda throws a bucket of water on them both.

EXELDA:

You know running makes it worse.

NARCIUS:

No, your nagging makes it worse!

Exelda glares at him.

NARCIUS:

I’m only kidding!

(laughs nervously)

HYPNOS:

Well, at least we figured out a faster

way for Geekius to turn visible.

DITZIA:

Yeah, this practice wasn’t a total waste

of time, just mostly.

EXELDA:

We got lucky killing the Menoreas. We’ll

be totally unprepared for whatever is

coming next.

HYPNOS:

You need to relax more. Who knows

when the next one will come? Could

be days or even weeks from now.

NARCIUS:

Guys, it’s in women’s natures to worry.

And it’s in my nature to be as strong

as a Minotaur!

He flexes his arms in a series of poses. Exelda shakes her head while Ditzia applauds.

EXELDA:

I’m the one with super strength.

NARCIUS:

But you are not an Olympic champion

and you never will be because you’re

not allowed to compete.

EXELDA:

Look, there’s a spider!

NARCIUS:

Nice try, but I know how this works.

I jump up and scream when there’s

nothing there, you all laugh, and I

die a little inside.

DITIZIA:

She’s not lying.

Narcius screams and jumps onto a nearby box. Hypnos lazily smashes the spider, and in doing so, he kicks Narcius’s box, which makes him fall. Exelda, Geekius, and Hypnos laugh.

DITZIA:

Are you okay? Did you hit your head

and get less intelligent? Becuase that’s

what I think happened to me…

Before Narcius can answer, a crash followed by some scream is heard from outside.

GEEKIUS:

It sounds like we’re needed.

HYPNOS:

You think?

GEEKIUS:

I always think.

They gather their things and leave.

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD 2. AFTERNOON.

The five find themselves feet away from the THE POINTS (who are three giant, winged, bronzed men with large, pointy noses). They throw heavy things at people.

HYPNOS:

I got an idea…let’s just forfeit and

worship them as our overlords.

EXELDA:

Stop talking like a coward. They’re

men, so maybe they speak our

language. Ditzia, why don’t you

talk to them?

DITZIA:

I gotta cry first. Somebody think of

something! Oh, I got it!

She starts to cry and flies up to them.

DITZIA:

Hi! I’m Ditzia!

POINT 1:

We’re the Points, and we don’t

care for you.

They use one of their golden feathers to tickle her. She laughs and falls to the ground landing on Exelda.

EXELDA:

Get her off me! I’ve got to fight them!

DITZIA:

I can’t move for half an hour.

EXELDA:

( to the others)

Do something!

NARCIUS:

I’ll get her off…of you, I mean.

The Points throw a barrel at him, knocking him out.

HYPNOS:

Woah, is he still alive?

(goes over to him)

EXELDA:

(to Geekius)

Can you lift heavy objects?

GEEKIUS:

Not well.

EXELDA:

Then go distract the monsters!

Geekius walks to them. They stop and look curiously.

GEEKIUS:

(very nervous)

So, have you guys heard of the

Pythagorean Theorem?

POINT 2:

No, what is it?

GEEKIUS:

Well, it’s a way of measuring triangles

without having to measure one of the

sides.

POINT 3:

How does that work?

GEEKIUS:

(relaxes a little)

Well, if you take the sum of the squares

of each…

HYPNOS:

(to Exelda and Ditzia)

They’re actually interested?

EXELDA:

I know Ditzia looks small, but she’s

actually pretty heavy…

Hypnos takes Ditzia aside and puts her next to Narcius.

EXELDA:

Okay, let’s see…They’re made of metal,

so what destroys metal?

HYPNOS:

Geekius would know.

EXELDA:

We live in an old smithery! What did

they use to make the swords? The fireplace!

Hypnos, you need to melt them!

HYPNOS:

I can’t make enough fire to melt them

at once.

EXELDA:

Hmm…Oh, we can use that haystack

and make it rain fiery hay from that

rooftop!

HYPNOS:

Ugh, I have to climb all the way

up there?

EXELDA:

No, I’ll throw you.

She puts him on an empty cart and jumps on the other end. Hypnos flies to the top of the roof and lands with a thud. The Points do not notice.

GEEKIUS:

It is helpful to know! If you need to

know what size ladder to use, just

apply this formula…

Exelda climbs to the top of the roof with a hay stack.

POINT 2:

Does it work on all triangles?

GEEKIUS:

No, on right angles.

Exelda makes it rain hay while Hypnos sets the hay on fire. By the time the Points notice, it’s too late. They catch on fire and wail as they melt away. The townspeople cheer and thank them. Narcius wakes up.

NARCIUS:

Did we win?

EXELDA:

No, we lost and they’re really

supportive!

DITIZIA:

Looks like this time they don’t

mind getting rid of the body!

The townspeople all scramble to collect the melted gold.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 5

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mercinonis asleep with his head on the desk. He hears Darius enter and bolts awake.

MERCINON:

I’m still here?

He looks at Darius, whose clothes are torn and his body is all scratched up.

MERCINON:

Your new girlfriend likes it rough!

DARIUS:

My girlfriend didn’t do that! Well, that

scratch she did. Anyways, I found some

monsters for you. It took some persuading,

but I’ve convinced them to help us. By the

way, you owe them a lot of gold.

MERCINON:

Tell them I’ll pay them once the job is

done. If those jerks kill them, at least

I can keep the gold.

DARIUS:

They demanded the gold up front. But

not to spend it. Apparently they eat it.

MERCINON:

What??? They eat money? No way!

DARIUS:

Would you rather wait for a cheaper

monster?

MERCINON:

(holding back tears)

Okay, I’ll do it.

Darius starts to leave.

MERCINON:

Darius!

Darius turns around.

MERCINON:

The next monster better be

cheaper or-

DARIUS:

Jackals, right.

Darius leaves. Mercinon picks up a piece of gold and bites it. It tastes terrible and he hurts his teeth.

INT. HEROES’ HOME. LATE MORNING.

Exelda drinks straight from the wine bottle. She sees Ditzia set up a prayer shrine in one part of the room and another one down the wall. She prays to one and shimmies over to the other to pray. She keeps making this shift.

EXELDA:

What are you doing?

DITZIA:

I’m praying to Athena for wisdom and

Aphrodite for love.

EXELDA:

Not a good idea. They don’t get along.

DITZIA:

Why not?

GEEKIUS;

It’s true. Wisdom involves logic and

love abandons it. That’s why people

who fall in love act like idiots.

DITZIA:

So, I have to choose?

EXELDA:

Generally, people pick one patron.

GEEKIUS:

Pick Athena! That’s as close as I’ll

get to loving a girl!

DITZIA:

But I need help with my feelings

for…why don’t you pray at this

shrine, Geekius, and I’ll pick

Aphrodite.

GEEKIUS:

Sounds fair.

Before they start to pray, Hypnos peeks his head down from the loft.

HYPNOS:

Will you keep it down? Someone’s

trying to sleep up here!

GEEKIUS:

Since when do you need quiet

to sleep?

HYPNOS:

No, it’s not for me! Narcius is trying

to get his “beauty sleep.”

EXELDA:

So, what are you doing up there then?

Do you think he’s beautiful when he

sleeps?

HYPNOS:

How dare you! I’m just too comfortable

to get up.

The three downstairs all laugh at him. There is a knock on the door.

GEEKIUS:

Ditzia, you’re closer to the door.

Ditzia just lays there.

DITZIA:

I can’t.

EXELDA:

We’ve been through this before. All

you gotta do to open the door is

turn the knob.

DITZIA:

No, I mean I literally can’t. I can’t

move for another half hour.

HYPNOS (OS):

Same here!

DITIZIA:

Every time I laugh, I can’t move

for half an hour.

Exelda gets up to answer the door. It is Philoles.

GEEKIUS:

You don’t make any sense!

PHILOLES:

Pardon?

DITZIA:

I think he’s talking to me.

PHILOLES:

Okay then…So, how have you been doing?

EXELDA:

We started practicing yesterday, but I made

a joke about the dummy being better looking

than Narcius, and he got mad and destroyed

the dummy. We weren’t sure how else to

practice.

PHILOLES:

You can get another dummy. You don’t

want to have your only practice to be

out there with the real monsters.

GEEKIUS:

That’s so logical! Why didn’t I think

of that?

PHILOLES:

AT least you’re praying to Athena for

help in your next battle.

GEEKIUS:

Actually, I was praying for less idiots

in the world.

PHILOLES:

I see…and there’s a shrine for Aphrodite.

(to Exelda)

Who are you worshiping this morning?

EXELDA:

I’m praying to the wine god, Bachus.

She holds up the bottle and takes a drink.

PHILOLES:

Do you always drink so early in the

day?

EXELDA:

Well, I’ve been out of work for a long

time, so I figured why wait if I don’t

got anywhere to go?

PHILOLES:

You could be called into duty at

any moment. I don’t like the idea

of our fighters being drunk when

facing a monster.

EXELDA:

I’m not drunk. Really, I’m level-headed.

Philoles takes the bottle from Exelda.

PHILOLES:

As prince, I order you to quit drinking.

Don’t give me any grief-it’s for your own

good. I don’t want any of my employees

to have a drinking problem.

HYPNOS:

(peeks head over)

Employees? Are we going to start

getting paid for our service?

PHILOLES:

Well, of course. I’ll go see my father

about this right now.

Philoles sees Exelda looking a little angry but also kind of anxious. He puts a hand on her shoulder.

PHILOLES:

You’re going to be fine, trust me.

Exelda looks at him as he speaks but looks away from his gaze after he is done.

PHILOLES:

Okay then. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank

you again for your services!

Hypnos is now downstairs.

HYPNOS:

And thanks for the gold!

Philoles laughs. He takes a last look at Exelda, feels a little sad, and leaves.

EXELDA:

Who does he think he is, making me

quit drinking!

DITZIA:

He thinks he’s a prince. You’re going

to listen to him, aren’t you?

EXELDA:

Of course, like I have a choice!

(pouts)

Well, I suppose we should practice.

Where’s Narcius? Still sleeping?

Can someone make sure he’s still

alive?

Hypnos throws a rock to the loft. It hits Narcius, who screams like a girl.

EXT. COURT YARD. MORNING.

Philoles is walking on a road outside Chaos. He passes a meadow to clump of trees nearby. He hears a noise from the trees and looks in to see Darius is putting something ferocious in a cage.

PHILOLES:

What are you doing?

Darius is startled, but he quickly recovers.

DARIUS:

Come here, I’ll show you.

Philoles steps off the path, and Darius grins wickedly.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 4

INT. THRONE ROOM. LATE AFTERNOON.

The heroes plus Cyrek and Orcus enter the throne room where PHILOLES (a good-looking, well built prince with dark hair and light colored eyes) casually sits on his throne and chats with a couple of servants. Everyone stands before the prince. Exelda avoids eye contact with him. Philoles stands to address them.

PHILOLES:

Welcome, my friends! Cyrek, what’s

going on in my kingdom?

CYREK:

Well, a monster attacked Chaos, so we

went to the oracle for advice. I learned

that these guys were destined to save

Chaos from a series of monsters. They

just destroyed one, so one down, more

to come.

ORCUS:

And I learned not to hit on an angry

oracle!

PHILOLES:

Um, okay. So, on behalf of our city-state,

I want to thank you for your services.

He shakes each of their hands. When he gets to Exelda, who cannot look at him, he stops amusedly.

PHILOLES:

Hey, I know you!

EXELDA:

No you don’t.

PHILOLES:

I haven’t forgotten that day

EXELDA:

Could you try?

PHILOLES:

Don’t tell me you’ve been drinking!

It wasn’t that bad.

EXELDA:

I was humiliated!

GEEKIUS:

You gotta tell us this story. You know

that, right?

EXELDA:

(sighs)

Okay. You know I was kicked out of

the army because they found out I was

a girl. Well, what I didn’t tell you was how

they found out.

(beat)

I was a hero in our last war. We wouldn’t

have won without me. The king brought

me in and told me…

PHILOLES:

He said the reward for saving the

kingdom was my sister’s hand in

marriage.

The others all laugh. Exelda turns red.

EXELDA:

So I took off my armor and had to

reveal myself before she kissed me.

HYPNOS:

You know what would’ve made that

story better? If you kissed her!

EXELDA:

Shut up! Okay, since we’ve cleared

the air, can we move on?

PHILOLES:

One more thing. I gotta reveal my

honest thoughts.

EXELDA:

(sighs)

What?

PHILOLES:

When you stripped off your armor…

that was totally hot!

EXELDA:

What???

PHILOLES:

I don’t know. Just a manly man becoming

a curvacious lady, that was hot! Wouldn’t

you agree that would be hot?

The men thought about it for a second and had to agree.

EXELDA:

Men! Doesn’t matter their social

staus-they’re all the same!

DITZIA:

(to Philoles)

She hates men.

EXELDA:

I don’t hate men. I just hate how

we’re not respected.

PHILOLES:

Hey, I respect women! In fact, when

I’m king, I was going to start allowing

women into the army. I’m serious!

You gave me the idea. We wouldn’t

have won that war or defeated that

monster without you! It’s proof

women can be good warriors too!

Exelda says nothing, though her expression has somewhat softened.

PHILOLES:

Well, tomorrow I’ll stop by your place

to monitor your progress with this

monster matter.

CYREK:

Thank you, your majesty.

PHILOLES:

Please, just Philoles.

DITZIA:

Good bye, Just Philoles!

Philoles watches Exelda leave first.

PHILOLES:

Bye!

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 3

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD. AFTERNOON.

People are screaming and fleeing their homes as the Menoreas destroy one building at a time and crushes anyone in its path. Cyrek and Orcus stand at the end of the road watching. The heroes stand closer to the monster and are at a loss for words.

GEEKIUS:

For the first time as far as I

remember, I’m out of ideas!

DITZIA:

What? You’re supposed to be

the idea person!

EXELDA:

(to Narcius)

Okay, mister great warrior, since your

family has always been so victorious,

now’s your chance to amaze us.

NARCIUS:

Uh…We need to think a strategy

before we attack.

HYPNOS:

Why don’t we just all try to attack

one at a time to see its weakness?

They all look at him expectantly.

HYPNOS:

Wait, you want me to go first?

DITZIA:

It was your idea! You’d be a great

warrior if you weren’t so lazy!

HYPNOS:

Ugh, I shouldn’t have sat down!

Hypnos forces himself to get up. He casually walks up to the Menoreas. Hypnos looks at him, and he looks back curiously. Hypnos holds up his hands.

HYPNOS:

Prepare to die!

The Menoreas slaps him back to his original spot. He lands by the group in a heap.

HYPNOS:

I guess I was talking to myself!

PAN to Cyrek and Orcus watching.

CYREK:

I’m beginning to have second

thoughts about this.

They watch the Menoreas play with Geekius like a tennis ball.

ORCUS:

Well, you know, Melampia was on drugs.

CYREK:

All of the oracles are on drugs!

PAN BACK- Geekius is thrown back to them, hits his head on a water trough, and turns invisible.

EXELDA:

Oh sure, now you turn invisible!

Exelda runs over to the Menoreas, but the Menoreas is too quick for her to make any real attacks. She dodges it a couple of times but gets caught off guard and thrown back.

EXELDA:

(to Narcius)

We thought of a strategy, but you

haven’t moved yet.

NARCIUS:

We need a better strategy…

Exelda kicks his butt, and he is forced to walk over to the Menoreas. He is better at dodging him because of his super speed, but when he tries to stab him, the sword cannot penetrate his tough skin and breaks. Narcius is thrown back and hits a hitching post.

DITZIA:

Quick, someone make me cry!

EXELDA:

Once my horse trampled a kitten

on the road…

DITZIA:

(gasps)

Was the kitten okay?

Exelda shakes her head. Ditzia cries. She then gets angry and flies over to the Menoreas. The Menoreas swats her like a fly, and she lands in a puddle. The puddle splashes onto the Menoreas, who shrieks in pain.

EXELDA:

That’s it! Water! Narcius, grab that

rope. You and Ditzia will wrap it

around his legs. Geekius, make sure

he doesn’t fall into any buildings.

Hypnos, help me carry this trough.

Geekius, still invisible, gets the Menoreas to step away from the buildings. The Menoreas is confused. Ditzia flies with one end of the rope and Narcius carries the other end. They wrap the rope around its ankles. He tries to move forward and falls down. Exelda and Hypnos have moved the trough by the Menoreas side. It takes all five to lift the trough high enough to hit the Menoreas in the head. The Menoreas screams and dies. The townspeople recognize this victory and run up to them in celebration. The heroes are a little bashful but proud.

ORCUS:

Congratulations!

EXELDA:

Thank you! We were glad to help.

CYREK:

Great! And now you’re prepared

for next time!

GEEKIUS:

There’s going to be another one?

CYREK:

Several more. Did I forget to mention

that? What do you say?

NARCIUS:

Do we have a choice?

EXELDA:

(to Narcius)

Don’t you want revenge for

your salon?

NARCIUS:

Let’s kill some monsters!

The others cheer in agreement. A messenger comes and hands Cyrek a note.

CYREK:

Ah. Prince Philoles requests

our company.

Exelda frowns slightly, but everyone seems reasonably pleased. A villager stops them.

VILLAGER:

What are we supposed to do

with that?

He points at the Menoreas’s corpse.

DITZIA:

Sorry, we were just hired to kill it,

not clean it up.

The heroes, Cyrek, and Orcus leave the village.

INT. MERCINON’S OFFICE. AFTERNOON.

Mercinon is carefully stacking some cards into a pyramid. Darius enters.

DARIUS:

Are you bored, your majesty?

MERCINON:

(sarcastically)

No, this is important.

DARIUS:

Well, sir, I have news that may make

things more interesting.

MERCINON:

Interesting good or interesting bad?

DARIUS:

Bad. The Menoreas has been killed.

Mercinon loses his concentration and topples his cards.

MERCINON:

Great! Now my whole day has been

a waste of time!

(beat)

Why are you just standing there?

Go find more monsters!

DARIUS:

Find more?

MERCINON:

Or make them.

DARIUS:

Make them! What am I? Zeus?

Mercinon glares at Darius.

DARIUS:

I’ll go find some!

Mercinon rubs his forehead in frustration.

The Unsuper Heroes, Part 2

INT. HEROES’ HOME. AFTERNOON.

EXELDA (a curvy, fairly good looking, young brunette woman with the look of a warrior) peers out of the tattered curtains by the front door.

EXELDA:

I think Chaos is under attack.

HYPNOS (an average man in his late twenties) lazily lounges against a haystack.

HYPNOS:

Neat! Are there any fires?

EXELDA:

No, this is serious. It looks like a lot

of people are in trouble.

DITZIA (a young, pretty blonde) sits on a couch untangling hair ties.

DITZIA:

They’re in trouble for starting the

fires?

EXELDA:

Uh, no. There’s a monster attacking them!

GEEKIUS (a nerdy man in his late twenties) is working on some logic problems on a scroll.

GEEKIUS:

Have you been drinking again? There’s

no such thing as monsters.

EXELDA:

Seriously! It’s pretty unbelievable! There’s

a big, red thing with sharp teeth and bubbly

skin. It’s taller than most of the buildings.

It just destroyed the hair salon!

NARCIUS (who is the same age as Ditzia and is very good looking and strong but vain) admires himself in a mirror but puts it down and heads to the window.

NARCIUS:

She’s playing a joke, most likely, but

as the descendant of the most decorated

soldier in Greek history, I should be the

one to verify this. If there’s a monster,

I will-

He looks out the window and screams like a girl. He collapses onto the floor and starts crying.

NARCIUS:

My salon! A monster! Life isn’t fair!

Ditzia and Geekius go to the window to verify. Both are shocked by what they see.

GEEKIUS:

This defies all logic!

EXELDA:

Told you! And you all thought I was

drunk! I’ve only had a couple drinks!

DITZIA:

Do you think they’d come here?

EXELDA:

I doubt it. Most people think this

building is abandoned.

Narcius is still sobbing. Exelda gives him a look of disgust.

NARCIUS:

Don’t judge me, woman! You all cry

for the least little things, like a

broken nail.

Hypnos, Geekius, and Ditzia all look at Exelda as if she might explode with anger. Exelda thinks about it but decides to dismiss it.

EXELDA:

I’m going to ignore your misguided

view on women for now because we’ve

got a real emergency. Chaos needs our help.

HYPNOS:

No, if they needed us, they’d come find us.

Why should we come to the rescue of a

group of people that don’t give a damn

about us? Now, if they come to us and

apologize, then we’ll help. But the odds of

them seeking us out are as likely as me

becoming a rich athlete tomorrow!

There is a knock on the door. Exelda peeks outside the window before she opens the door. Cyrek and Orcus enter holding a cloth dummy. Everyone stares at them curiously. Cyrek is uncomfortable as he speaks.

CYREK:

First, I want to apologize on behalf

of Chaos for any wrong doings against

you. I hope we can put it past us and

work together on behalf of our polis.

Chaos is in trouble.

HYPNOS:

Who cares? Tomorrow I’ll be set for

life!

EXELDA:

Oh ignore him, everyone else does.

CYREK:

The oracle named each of you as saviors

of our land. She mentioned that you had

powers beyond the ordinary. I can see

from your reaction that you’re just as

shocked as I was. So, I deemed it prudent

to do a quick practice to discover your

powers before you use them. Each of you

will take turns practicing on this dummy.

The dummy is named Orcus. Any questions?

Orcus raises his hand. Cyrek ignores him.

CYREK:

Okay, I’m setting Orcus up here against

this post. So, who’s first? Exelda, you

seem ready. Do you still have that

sword?

EXELDA:

Of course. I still remember my training.

But I don’t remember having any special

powers. I’ll see what I can do.

She draws out her sword and silently debates on how to attack. She puts away her sword and punches the dummy’s head. The whole building shakes from the impact. The dummy’s head falls off and rolls near Narcius, who thinks it is a mouse and screams. He looks ashamed. Everyone else is surprised at Exelda’s strength.

ORCUS:

Wow, you were a soldier and you

didn’t know that you can do that?

EXELDA:

I wouldn’t rough house with the boys

because I wasn’t supposed to be there

and I was afraid I might be exposed. I

focused on sword work in battle.

CYREK:

Well done, Exelda. Please put Orcus’s

head back on him. Okay, who’s next?

How about you, lazy bones?

HYPNOS:

The name is Hypnos, and do you have

any idea how hard it is to get up after a

good sit?

EXELDA:

The polis is in trouble, will your stop

thinking about your ass?

HYPNOS:

Okay, okay. I have no idea what powers

I might have. I never really tried to use

them. Let me think.

After a moment, he points his palms at the dummy, and fireballs shoot out of his hands, setting the dummy on fire.

NARCIUS:

Wow! How did you do that?

HYPNOS:

(dumbfounded)

I don’t know!

CYREK:

Will someone throw water on the

Orcus dummy?

Ditzia throws a bucket of water on the real Orcus.

CYREK:

(grins)

No, the one made of cloth.

After Ditzia puts out the fire, Narcius volunteers.

NARCIUS:

I will go next. Narcius. You may have

heard of me. No? Are you serious? My

family has been great warriors since the

dawn of time! Well, I know my power-

but I don’t know how being the world’s

greatest lover will help us!

EXELDA:

Stop wasting time and fight the dummy!

She advances on Narcius. Fearing her strength, Narcius runs away. However, he runs away as fast as lightning and uses Exelda’s sword to stab the dummy, whose head rolls off again. Narcius bows as if he is being applauded.

NARCIUS:

Thank you, thank you.

(picks up the head)

It seems as though Orcus is going

to keep losing his head!

CYREK:

yeah, we didn’t need an oracle to

predict that!

Orcus looks offended. Cyrek gives him a look that reads like “don’t deny it.” Orcus shrugs and agrees.

CYREK:

(to Ditzia)

Okay, it’s your turn.

DITZIA:

Turn?

Ditzia spins around in a circle.

GEEKIUS:

You’ll have to forgive Ditzia.

She isn’t very smart.

DITZIA:

I’m tired of people making fun of me!

She starts to cry. After a moment of crying, she gets angry, flies into the air, and gives the dummy a swift kick in the head. She circles around the room and then lands in front of Cyrek.

DITZIA:

Wow, I guess I really am an

airhead!

EXELDA:

Geekius, do your stuff.

GEEKIUS:

My stuff? Ah, I see what you mean.

(to the dummy)

Did you know that if you take the sum

of the squares of the sides of a right

triangle, it will equal to the square of-

CYREK:

What are you doing?

GEEKIUS:

I intend to boggle his mind so much

that it will explode.

CYREK:

That might work on the real Orcus,

but you must do harm to the cloth

dummy.

HYPNOS:

Jeez, Geekius, you think you’d be

smart enough to figure that out.

GEEKIUS:

Are you putting me down to make

yourself feel better about your

own inadequacies?

This offends Hypnos, so he hits Geekius in the back of the head. Geekius turns invisible. Geekius apparently walks over to the dummy (which is known by the sound of his hand hitting it and the head rolling off again).

CYREK:

Wow, so you all do have subnormal

powers! So, now-

ORCUS:

(to Ditzia)

Are you single?

DITZIA:

Oh my gods, ew!

Cyrek hits Orcus on the arm.

CYREK:

Stop hitting on every female we meet!

Now, enough practice. The oracle said

you would save us, so it’s time to make

that happen! So, each of you grab a sword

and let’s save Chaos! Are you ready?

Everyone stands there frightened and murmurs in agreement.

CYREK:

Close enough! Let’s go!